A few rusty pipes to hand out

This has already been a stellar week. So rather than try to explain let's just hand out some pipes:

• Our first rusty-pipe-up-yours goes to the numbnut on my train this morning who forgot it was 2006 not 1986 and came aboard carrying a boom box on his shoulder blasting Tupac. Now, I like a little Pac as much as the next pretend rebel, but enough already. Buy a set of headphones chowderhead.
• The second rusty-pipe-up-yours goes to my dog-crap-leavin' neighbor, who I thought had learned his lesson earlier this year when the cops confronted him for letting his dog pinch loaves in front of other peoples' homes and leaving the leavins behind. He and his pit are at it again...in front of my house. Guess I'm gonna have to get photo evidence this time and then leave the "hard" evidence in a burning paper bag on his door step.
• The second rusty-pipe-up-yours goes to Duane "Dog (the Bounty Hunter)" Chapman, the namesake of the A&E network reality show. I confess I watch the show sometimes, 'cause mullets mesmerize me. Anyway, on tonight's new episode, in a fit of self-righteousness, Chapman yelled at a fugitive to "tell her what you did," in reference to a woman inside the trailer where the fugitive was hiding. Don't get me wrong. The guy jumped bail. The law says he forfeited his freedom. I say lock 'im up. But he hadn't been convicted of anything yet. And there is the whole innocent until proven guilty thing. I'm sure that principle was important to Chapman back in the late '70s shortly before he was convicted for being an accessory to murder (a killing he insists, according to published reports, a companion of his committed) and sentenced to five years in prison.
• Third, I've been thinking the past few days about the difference in real friends, employees, and opportunists. A real friend has your best interests at heart, regardless. An employee has your best interests at heart maybe because he likes you, but definitely because you pay him. And an opportunist has whatever interests they think you desire at heart, whether those interests are good or bad for you. What made me think of those things was a blog entry my guy Drew referenced about Dallas Cowboys wide receiver Terrell Owens' overdose scare from last week. At his news conference after the pill scandal, Kim Etheridge, Owens' publicist, dismissed what she'd earlier told emergency workers and said Owens wouldn't want to kill himself because he had "25 million reasons" to live. She was talking about his salary. For all the hopeless people out there who have not yet figured out their deadly sadness but know they will never be rich, I give a rusty-pipe-up-yours to Etheridge for suggesting material wealth is enough to make a suicidal person want to live.
• Finally, a little shameless self-promotion in the form of my latest article. I don't mind constructive critiques - you guys know that. But don't be like the reader who complained to me earlier that the story, which ran on page 1 of the A section, was bad 'cause she felt the subject and his son posed "like rappers" for their photo, thus setting a bad example for young folk. Posed like rappers? Yeah, that's what it was all about.