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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Monday, January 08, 2007

False advertising

What's up, people?

I hope Monday is treating you well. Mine hasn't started too badly, all things considered.

But I was just taking a little lunch break at my desk and going over some "to do" notes for the afternoon, when I came across a receipt from a little shopping excursion a couple of days ago. It jumped out at me 'cause the store I bought from was next door to a lingerie shop that had some interesting contraptions in the window.

There were the bustiers and the lacy, thongy stuff, and the whips and chains, etc.

What grabbed me the most though was the butt padding. They were moon pie-shaped cushions made to enhance the appearance of the female behind.

Now, for the record, I try to limit my observation of female behinds that are not my wife's behind to the coincidental-came-across-my-line-of-vision-through-no-fault-of-my-own glance.

However, being a man with a pulse, I appreciate shape. Still, I can't help but find butt padding disturbing.

We - and I mean all of us, male and female - have encountered padded bras. Some of you may have used them. And that's OK. Different parts come in different sizes. And that's OK. And sometimes top-side padding is to make a clothing item fit better, rather than deceive a male suitor. And that's OK.

Butt padding, though? That just strikes me as being close to cheating, and I can't explain why. I guess it goes along with guys who stuff socks into their trousers. I don't know any dudes like that, and the main reason is even we (guys) know that what is going on below the belt is what it is, and you take it or leave it.

Granted, I'll never know the trauma of lacking natural butt-shape, because I don't care how mine appears to other folks. But while a padded bra wouldn't have bothered me back in the day when these things mattered more to me, a padded behind would have annoyed me to no end.

Who knows? Maybe I'm just nuts.

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29 Comments:

  • Mmmmmmm....butt padding...

    I'm getting hard just thinking about it. ;)

    Steve~

    By Blogger Steven Novak, at 1:36 PM  

  • I feel the same way. God has been kind to me in the T & A dept, and while I can understand the T padding, I still don't get the A.

    For the longest time, I swear, my girlfriends and I spent the better part of our adult lives complaining that our asses were too big. And now having a "brazilian butt lift" seems to be the plastic surgery du jour. So I guess Twiggy flat-as-a-flapjack is OUT -- what do you think James? It is the influence of bombshells like JLo and Beyoncé that bootylicious is in?

    Either way, humanity sure is fickle, aint it?

    By Blogger Manola Blablablanik, at 1:40 PM  

  • Steven, you're scaring me...but cracking me up too.

    MB, I don't know. I hadn't thought about the influence of the JLo butts and Beyonce butts. Maybe you're onto something.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 1:42 PM  

  • Butt pads are just wrong. I think you are being to easy on bra pads too.

    Guys don't have any enhancement devices to speak of since elevator shoes and toupees went out of style in the 1970's

    By Blogger Hammer, at 2:15 PM  

  • You see, James, if you had been doing your homework you would have known that BUTT PADDING had seen a boom in this country due to the past ineffectiveness of the military to offer personal body armor to the troops.

    What you mistook for feminine enhancement (an error I would expect from the casual observer) was in fact a highly sophisticated weave of microfibers sewn over baffles capable of withstanding all but the most extreme penetrations.

    What you saw in the lingerie shop was in fact but the third generation of butt padding. The original design was based on bubble technology.

    By Blogger Stewart Sternberg, at 2:45 PM  

  • I've got to get a pair of butt pads. My butt goes numb when I'm sitting here checking up on all my blogs. Do they heat up? Or vibrate?

    By Blogger mist1, at 2:47 PM  

  • "because I don't care how mine appears to other folks."

    And that's why you don't get none out there.... You don't care. You've given up. There's no fight left in the dog. Or maybe um talkin' about myself.

    Forgive me for going here but... I've got some back (not fat but not flat) and it amuses me greatly to see a black girl staring at it every once in a while. The first time I saw that, I just about died.

    By Blogger Matt, at 3:07 PM  

  • lol, Miami folk sure are funny sometimes. ;)

    But then again, here in San Diego, there's plenty of plastic to go around too!

    By Blogger The Dummy, at 3:20 PM  

  • I love that people are now paying for my "bubble" butt that I use to hate so much.

    By Blogger Winter, at 4:18 PM  

  • I've never needed either option, but my mom has complained her butt is too flat. Maybe I should get her a set of butt pads!! LOL!!

    By Blogger Claudia, at 4:33 PM  

  • I don't understand women who want larger butts. If they are so desparate, they can have some of mine... I've been well endowed in that area.

    By Blogger QofD, at 4:37 PM  

  • Sorry. I'm still trying to get past one of your last lines: "a padded behind would have annoyed me to no end."

    By Anonymous The Sarcasticynic, at 6:10 PM  

  • I've been asked to remind folks that this is a PG-13 blog - affiliated with my day job. And I have bills to pay. So some of you quit getting me scolded ;>)

    Hammer, you make a good point. We can't stuff anything or carpet anything without being called losers.

    Moving right along then - So Stewart, there really is such a thing as a bubble butt? I always thought that was just a compliment.

    Mist1, they're self-heating.

    Matt, you've got back? Why does the thought of that disturb me even more than butt pads?

    Dummy, a regular part of my vocabulary since I've moved to South Florida has been "only in Miami..."

    Winter, you were ahead of the curve.

    Claudia, your mom would kill you. But hey, somebody's buying those rubber apple bottoms.

    Queen, you and Winter are roll models.

    Sarc, I guess that does sound like a pun.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 8:38 PM  

  • There once was a lady whose gear
    She thought was a tad bit austere
    so she bought a butt pad
    and says "it's all bad"
    "Come on..take a look at my rear!"








    (couldn't help myself James... I just can't imagine wanting a bigger behind. I guess because I've never had to imagine it. Sadly)

    By Blogger Pamela, at 9:47 PM  

  • OMG Burnett!!! hahah okay NITTY GRITTY TIME! although these are marketted toward women, they are actually purchased more by men. Being of the Drag Queen area for effect. They are very popular in the gay community. not for that reason you freaking sicko. hahahahah! sorry. *ahem* they are used by cross dressers to give them a better figure. Most butt pads are all around pads that also have hips attached.

    I feel i need to say that the only reason i know this is because the man that taught me how to sew like a the pros was an ex drag queen.

    By Blogger Yasamin, at 10:20 PM  

  • I agree. You can usually tell when someone's had implants a little higher than the region you are speaking of, but how can you tell when the rear has been falsely accentuated?

    I have to wonder though, does it make it more comfortable to sit down when you are artificially padded in the rear? If my chair at work gets any worse, I may seek out some padding of my own ;-)

    By Blogger Michael C, at 10:28 PM  

  • False advertising of any variety is, well... false advertising. But I find color contact lenses to be particularly troublesome.

    By Blogger thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy, at 10:31 PM  

  • Pamela, great prose! That was hilarious.

    Yas, sure that's how you know about butt pads. We'll accept that explanation for now.

    Michael C., I'm with you. I like the concept of padding. Some of those office chairs can be rough. But I think if it comes down to it I'll sit on a pillow.

    ThirdWorst, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! I love it. You are right. Colored contacts are pretty bad too. Those have always bugged the crap out of me.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 11:17 PM  

  • Mr. James Burnett, all of my back is in my front. My front chestal area. We all have our strengths, and mine happens to be in my pectorals.

    I need a real forward looking guy. Har har.

    By Anonymous 123Valerie, at 2:22 AM  

  • "a padded behind would have annoyed me to no end".

    It would have annoyed me too and probably would have made me laugh really hard, but a but pad would have come in handy when I used to play the game ass as a kid. Remember that game? You throw a ball (using a racquet or tennis ball) against a brick wall, and if another person catches the ball you threw then you would get a letter. If they droped the ball that you threw then they they would get the letter. If you get Ass then you have to get up against the wall and you get beamed in the ass with the ball by everyone who played. It hurt like a bitch the one or two times I lost.

    By Blogger captain corky, at 7:04 AM  

  • Yasamin is dead-on - glad there is someone "in the know" out there!

    Also, in the butt pads are used by beauty pageant contestants, whose stylists and advisors and consultants are usually....you guessed it...gay men.

    Wonder if there is a program, like "locks of love," where instead of donating your hair for a cancer patient, you can donate butt fat to a lesser-endowed waif? I'd happily contribute.

    By Blogger Tiggerlane, at 12:27 PM  

  • seee??? tiggerlane is my new hero. lol

    lmao@ corky! we used to call it butts up. and now that i think about it all the guys play it and its kinda homo-erotic... whats up with that???

    By Blogger Yasamin, at 12:43 PM  

  • I once saw a tv program that went through the process of butt-implants. Not to say that there was anything wrong with that particular person's butt, but she wanted it larger. Spooked me, the implants looked like plastic cereal bowls. I know that the foam ones are used in beauty pageants as well as by drag queens, but I think that if I really wanted my butt to be bigger I would go with the foam fake cheeks as opposed to having cereal bowls implanted. Didn't look like it would be comfortable to sit.

    And there you are!

    By Anonymous llh, at 12:56 PM  

  • I once saw a tv program that went through the process of butt-implants. Not to say that there was anything wrong with that particular person's butt, but she wanted it larger. Spooked me, the implants looked like plastic cereal bowls. I know that the foam ones are used in beauty pageants as well as by drag queens, but I think that if I really wanted my butt to be bigger I would go with the foam fake cheeks as opposed to having cereal bowls implanted. Didn't look like it would be comfortable to sit.

    And there you are!

    By Anonymous llh, at 12:59 PM  

  • Hammer said...
    Guys don't have any enhancement devices to speak of since elevator shoes and toupees went out of style in the 1970's

    Toupees are out? Damn! I knew I should have paid more attention to the last couple of decades.

    By Anonymous Verticus S. Erectus, at 12:25 AM  

  • Happy New Year!

    PS - All junk in my trunk is real

    By Blogger Dayngr, at 2:03 AM  

  • 123Valerie, we all have a set of "icles." They're either of the "test" variety or the "chest" variety. I say be proud of 'em. But they can be dangerous weapons. Like Luke's light sabre, use 'em carefully.

    Captain, A$$ and butt's up? Where in the world did you and Yas, grow up? Did you guys have a game where you threw rocks too? Kidding, but this really sounds like sadistic dodge ball.

    Tiggerlane, it's true! I gotta find out where you and Yas are hanging out.

    Yas, you and Tiggerlane have disturbed me with this alternate fake butt usage.

    LLH, yeah, that cereal bowl thing sounds painful. I think I'd just shove a pillow down the back of my shorts.

    VSE, you can still wear a pelt. Just make sure it's dead first.

    Dayngr, natural junk is always appreciated!

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 11:55 PM  

  • I just have to wonder about what happens when you're getting it on with someone who is wearing butt pads. If you're trying to wear them to seduce someone, what if they bring you home, rip off your pants and see...big, scary, padded panties?!?!?! At least with padded bras it's kind of discretely worked into the contraption. I often don't even realize a bra I'm looking at is padded until I pick it up.

    BTW: Hi. Just found your blog :)

    By Blogger hyacinths and biscuits, at 6:35 PM  

  • Hey, HandB, glad you found me. And I agree. How do you play that one off when your suitor discover's your butt pads? Impossible to do, I think.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 1:21 AM  

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