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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Monday, April 23, 2007

I need a new adjective for stuff I like

I have a bad habit. More a stupid habit than bad, I guess.

But in the spirit of Dave Chappelle, for the longest time, since even before he had his short-lived variety show, I have used "crack" to accent things I really, really like.

Drug use is not funny. Illegal drugs, drugs not prescribed by a doctor are not funny. The ravishes of the illegal drug trade are terrible. I know that. I think drug dealers should be strung up by their testicles with unbreakable fishing line.

Crack though? I'm sorry, but the word is funny to me. Seriously, I don't care if you're alone reading this right now or in a group. But just say the word aloud.

I dare you. Say "crack," and tell me that a few seconds later you're not at least smiling if not laughing outright. Sorry, but it just sounds funny.

I know this bugs my wife and has for the five years we've known each other probably. My mother thinks it's stupid too. But if, for example, I like a particular dish I will tell my wife "This is delicious - must have crack in it!"

Of course, I'm suggesting that the dish is so tasty that it is addictive.

They make clothes out of hemp? OK, that's cool if you're green. But my new pants, they're really cool. Must be made with crack.

My Starbucks coffee? Strong and tasty! Must have crack in it.

Family Guy? Hilarious show. Must be drawn with crack-tipped pens and taped with a crack-tinted camera lens.

I know. I know. Mrs. B will tell you it stopped being funny a long time ago.

And don't any of you uptight folks post messages and lecture me about the ravishes of drug use. I know drugs are bad. But we're starting to take this can't-say-this-or-that thing too far. Sometimes we just have to make light of the things that plague us just 'cause, just 'cause they're such monumental pains in the behind. Some stuff just sounds funny. Get over it. No one ever thought Jello pudding could be funny...until Bill Cosby started pitching it and using gibberish to describe how much he enjoyed it. Suddenly gelatin desserts were knee slappers.

What can I tell you? I have a twisted sense of humor. But the 1/10 of 1% of me that is sort of PC figures it's time I grew up and found a new adjective to describe my favorite things.

I'm open to suggestions.

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31 Comments:

  • I like crack jokes. I think anything can be funny in the right context.

    By Blogger Hammer, at 10:32 PM  

  • Hammer, I'm thinking of switching my favorite things adjective from "crack" to "Olestra."

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 10:38 PM  

  • have you tried dope? hahah...
    interesting little tangent...in Ireland, they say "craic" (pronounced "crack") for fun...as in "oh, it'll be good craic." way back when, on a school trip to Ireland, one of our hosts invited us out that evening with the promise.."we're going to have loads of craic!" all us american-bred peeps just sort of looked at each other then at our host, and then back again, until it was finally explained. so maybe you were irish in a past life?

    By Blogger Claudia, at 10:59 PM  

  • Anything's possible, Claudia. If Idi Amin was the last king of Scotland then I might have been Irish in a previous life.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 11:06 PM  

  • I don't find the 'crack' thing to be all that funny. Not because it is anti pc or anything like that, it just doesn't happen to tickle my funny bone is all. Now olestra THAT could be funny. Isn't that the stuff on chips that used to(or still does?) have a warning saying something like "may cause cramping or anal bleeding?" I thought that was funny every time I read it on a bag of chips(in a 'who the HELL would still eat this' sort of way).

    BD

    By Blogger briliantdonkey, at 11:43 PM  

  • why not do a parody on the song parody 'My Humps'

    re: 'Honey, that dinner was great! It really humps my bumps!'

    'Damn these jeans are cool! They really hump my bumps!'

    'Starbucks coffee is so stong that it really humps my bumps!'

    By Blogger dennis, at 11:59 PM  

  • When we would argue, my younger brother used to ask, "what is your problem? Are you on birdseed?" When someone else would have used the word "crack" or "drugs". It stopped arguments more than once...how can you keep yelling at someone who asks you if you are on "birdseed"???

    By Anonymous Susan K, at 12:58 AM  

  • olestra? That's some serious shit man... ;)

    By Blogger Hammer, at 1:06 AM  

  • when we were little, crack was what we saw when the guy with the tool belt bent over to check out the problem in the Norge. I don't think they make Norge refrigerators anymore. And now it's cheaper to buy a new fridge than pay the repairman.

    That didn't help.

    How about Fodwox. 'Twas one of my word verifications right after I started blogging. Became my best swear word for awhile.

    If it's got Fodwox, then it's gotta be special stuff.

    By Blogger Pamela, at 1:32 AM  

  • I like this blog. It's crackolicious! :-)

    By Blogger Manola Blablablanik, at 2:56 AM  

  • LOL, each to their own.
    I usually say, "This is TO DIE FOR!!!"
    But, if we don'tlaugh we cry, so I reckon it is ok to say what pleases you :)

    By Blogger Cazzie!!!, at 4:38 AM  

  • I'm pretty fond of the word Scrumdidliumptious. "The crack (chocolate cake is this instance) James ate before writing this post must have been scrumdidliumptious."

    By Blogger captain corky, at 5:39 AM  

  • *** Sarcasm Alert ***

    Good point. I think I'll create my own funny word. How about "Nig." It rolls off the tongue, and best of all, it won't make anyone think of other offensive words.

    *** Sarcasm Alert ***

    By Blogger The Sarcasticynic, at 7:36 AM  

  • Well, that's commendable and mature of you. I, on the other hand, am interested in having some cake. It's my crack cocaine.

    By Blogger bc, at 8:43 AM  

  • James I know exactly what you mean. My sister and I use "crack" for stuff we love too. I know it's super ignorant - but it fits. Crack cake, crack pie, crack gumbo.....I guess I'm just super silly. : )

    By Blogger Angie, at 9:07 AM  

  • The word "plumber" comes to mind.

    By Blogger thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy, at 9:23 AM  

  • A former co-worker used to use the word "crispy." I didn't have a lot of contact with this guy and I was taken aback the first time I heard it.

    I'm in the IT department, and this guy asked us to create some specialized report to be available for viewing on our company Intranet.

    When it was finished, we took a look at it and I asked him how it looked. "Crispy," he said.

    "What?"

    "Crispy. Y'know, like...good, great, spiffy, neat. Crispy."

    Never heard it before. Haven't heard it since he left the company.

    By Blogger Kevin, at 9:46 AM  

  • I guilty of using "crack" to describe things I love too.

    Krispy Kremem doughnut shop? "Crack house"

    Those new white cheddar cheese Doritos? "Bag of crack"

    The list goes on.

    It's funny.

    By Blogger Jay, at 10:50 AM  

  • I guess we can't say "fly" anymore?

    Or, maybe we stopped saying that a long time ago.

    I'm probably not a good person to ask, anyway, because I still say "dude."

    By Blogger SWF41, at 12:28 PM  

  • You're open to suggestions? Here's mine: don't ever stop saying crack. The word is just comic. How can you say it and not think it's funny?

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 1:09 PM  

  • P.S. - I like your gallows humor. Isn't the saying that humor is the intellectual expression of incongruity perceived?

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 1:09 PM  

  • "Illegal drugs, drugs not prescribed by a doctor are not funny."

    Maybe not funny, but definitely fun.


    Or so I've heard.
    Ahem.

    My kids say "SNAP" a lot when they think something's cool. They say it a LOT. I mean, A. LOT. I think I like crack better.

    By Blogger Lee, at 1:52 PM  

  • I got nothing today.

    *looks around desk*

    Want a Tootsie roll instead?

    By Blogger Christina_the_wench, at 2:08 PM  

  • BriliantD, you almost made me spit out coffee. Olestra is funny. I think it was anal-leakage, not bleeding. Not that either sounds very enticing. But seriously I may replace "crack" with "olestra," or start using "olestra" as my adjective for things I find distasteful.

    Dennis, "humps my bumps" would take too long to say, I think. But it's in the right direction.

    SusanK, I like that, "birdseed." There's something to it. When the parokeets show up in our yard to get their daily fill they go nuts on each other. Seriously, if they had knives I think they would cut each other. There's something in that birdseed.

    Hammer, ha ha! For once I got it right away.

    Pamela, Fodwox has potential. I'm not sure though whether I'd use it to describe things I like or things I don't like. It does sound sort of like a swear.

    Manola, thank you. Burnetticrack is a clean-burning fuel.

    Cazzie, to die for's not bad. I still think it might be too many words for me. I need a quick delivery. Wasn't "To Die For" the name of that dark comedy starring Nicole Kidman, about a high school teacher who wanted to be a TV reporter and slept with one of her students in order to get him to kill her husband?

    Captain, I think my dad used to say "scrumpdidliumptious." I like that one too - reminds me of Mr. Snuffleupagus (sp?).

    Sarc, I can't imagine what that one might remind anyway of. ***Sarcasm understood***

    BC, nothing like a little crack cake to sooth the palate.

    Angie, "crack pie," "crack gumbo." Ha ha ha ha ha ha! Y'all attached crack to everything edible. Funny.

    ThirdWorst, in order to lose the drug connotation, maybe I can supplant "crack" with "plumber" for things I like. Man that was a tasty plumber! Nah, that's disturbing. Plus the imagery is scary.

    Kevin, I have to say - no offense, everyone else - that so far "crispy" is my favorite. It has flair and hipness. You might be starting a trend with that one. I'm gonna try it out for a few days, I think.

    So Jay, you just bypassed the food title and saved time by just calling it crack? Good streamlining. So that box of raisins I just ate could easily be described as a box of crack? OK, I can see it.

    SWF41, tsk tsk tsk. "Fly" went the way of "dope" as a description. But you're forgiven, 'cause I still say "dude" too - way too much, in fact.

    Queen, you're too deep for me. I have to think about that second posting. But I'll take your first under advisement. It is difficult to stop saying "crack," 'cause you're right. It really is funny.

    Yeah, Lee, I don't know about "snap." I don't think guys over 12 are allowed to say "snap."

    Cristina, I'll take that Tootsie roll. Maybe that's the next adjective? Man, my steak was Tootsie roll! That drink? Tootsie roll! Could be something. BTW, how's your back/neck/shoulders?

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 3:33 PM  

  • James, if I'm "deep" then we're both in trouble. I've been accused of being more shallow than a cookie sheet.

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 4:26 PM  

  • Give yourself some credit, Queen. That second post was food for thought.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 6:01 PM  

  • I think you might be right tere with the name of that film, I remember seeing it, just trying to think if it is the right title.
    Anyhow, I am with QOD, keep on keeping on with the crack jokes,

    By Blogger Cazzie!!!, at 8:52 PM  

  • Oh LEAKAGE! Well then thats so much better! Damnit I have been avoiding and missing out on some really crack anal leakage all this time! Oh well, once again always the last to know.

    BD

    By Blogger briliantdonkey, at 10:02 PM  

  • It "cracks" me up too. ok, I'm done.

    By Blogger Fathairybastard, at 12:48 AM  

  • I use the term "crack smoker" to describe nutty and lamebrained people. I also use the term derogatorily to get people to get their head out of their asses--As in "All of you need to stop smoking crack about how well the war in Iraq is going"

    I also had a song idea called the "Crackhead Zoo" about a place where you see all the Zagnutty people you encounter in daily life behind glass with an interactive multi-lingual explanation about their origin. Some could call this jail, but my euphemism for that is the "county hotel".

    You come up with a lot of euphemisms when you're trying not to tell your 10 year old nephew where his mother is.

    By Anonymous Big Daddy, at 10:15 AM  

  • alrighty James... I came back, because what my dear old Aunt Myrtle used to say was something you should consider.

    the word was "more"

    like the food?

    "MMMMM, this taste like MORE!"

    Like the party?

    MMMM, this feels like MORE."

    By Blogger Pamela, at 12:37 AM  

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