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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Friday, November 02, 2007

Weekend Roundup - Karma Edition

There's strange happenin's out there. And I don't think it's 'cause Halloween just passed.

  • Santana - I just learned that Deborah Santana has filed for divorce from her genius musician husband Carlos. And it bums me out. I don't know the Santanas. I'd love to have substituted either one of them for some of the numbnut celebrities I've met and interviewed. Everything I've ever read about the two of them suggested that in spite of rough childhoods and young adulthoods they were decent people. Still may be. But they have been married for 34 years. Anything that lasts that long had to have some good attached to it. So I feel for them. Who knows? Maybe they'll work it out.
  • Getting pantsed - In case you hadn't heard, the administrative judge in Washington D.C. who tried to take his dry cleaners to the cleaners, 'cause the dry cleaners occasionally completed a job late - later than their one-hour guarantee - and once lost the pants to the judge's new suit for about a week, has been canned. The district board that oversees his office decided not to grant Judge Roy Pearson a 10-year extension on his job. Instead they told him to clean out his office and scram. I don't like dry cleaners either, as a rule. Inevitably, whenever I take my best shirts to them - and I have some pretty cool shirts, a couple of them are one-of-a-kind creations, seriously - I get my shirts back with broken or missing buttons. But I don't think I'd ever sue my cleaners for $50 million or $60 million. Pearson didn't belong on the bench anyway. Now he can write a book, chronicling how Karma bit him in the ass and left a bruise.
  • To whom much is given... - Some of you aren't religious. And that's OK. But surely you don't have an argument with the scripture that says "To whom much is given, much is required." As with Roy "The Pants" Pearson, it's a Karma thing. If life blesses you, you should bless life by trying to be a decent person and, maybe more importantly, trying to be decent toward other people, and maybe even more importantly, demonstrating to the rest of the world that you fully grasp how fortunate you are and that you really do appreciate how blessed you are. All that being said, my "faith" wavers when I read things like this. Apparently as part of disclosures in her ongoing custody battle with her ex-private dancer, Britney Spears turned over her finance and income statements to the court. Turns out she brings in about $730,000 a month in income. Of that she spends about $49,000 on two mortgage payments, more than $4,700 eating out - and it's mostly junk food, $16,000 for clothes, $100,000 or so on entertainment, gifts, and vacations, and, drum roll please, $500 on charity. To be fair, her pant-load of an ex-husband gets $35,000 a month of Britney's money, $15,000 for child support and $20,000 for spousal support. He spends over $13,000 a month on rent and private security, $2,000 for clothes, $5,000 for entertainment, gifts, and vacation, and $1,500 eating out. No mention of charitable spending. Are you with me? Does your faith get shaky too, when you read about mouth breathers making millions?
  • Dog the Bounty Hunter - What is there to say? If you hadn't heard, Duane "Dog" Chapman, the bounty hunter with the golden pomadour-topped mullet, was captured on tape earlier this week strongly "encouraging" one of his sons to break up with his black girlfriend, because he feared the rest of the Chapman family would get caught using the N-word around her. Of course, Dog didn't say N-word. He said N-word. And he said it a lot on the tape. He said he wasn't going to lose everything he'd worked for over 30 years because some N-word heard him say N-word and recorded it and turned it over to the tabloids. A&E Network has suspended production of the show Dog the Bounty Hunter. Chapman has issued a statement apologizing and insisting that his problem wasn't with his son's girlfriend's race, but rather with her character. OK. So why didn't he tell his son "I don't want you dating this shady (or bad, or dangerous, or crooked, etc.) young woman?" If this was about her character and not her appearance, why use that word to describe her? There are three ironies here: During the taped conversation, Chapman refers to the N-word as "a racial slur"...and then he continues to use it a few more times; Chapman's pastor/spiritual advisor is black; and in continuation of this karma-themed day, it seems that Chapman's son is the one who recorded the conversation between father and son and then sold the tape to the tabloid. Ouch! That's gotta know, like teeth marks, 'cause dogs bite? Sorry, weak joke.
  • Finally, a useful piece of "fabric technology" - Two Ohio boys have created wedgie-proof undies. And I'm predicting these things are gonna sell like hot cakes. When I was in first and second grade I'd have given them a little business. Laugh if you want. But they're about to be loaded. And when one of them runs for president in 30 years, I'll vote for him.

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  • I agree about the judge...good riddance.

    Musicians..they are always sniffing around new legs it's in their nature.

    Britney..I hope some day soon she will have to go on that stupid surreal life to eek out a living.

    Dog: I like the guy, he should be smarter than that. I bet he's kicking himself in the ass right now.

    By Blogger Hammer, at 2:16 PM  

  • I'm from Ohio originally and damn proud.

    Have a great weekend James.

    By Blogger Christina_the_wench, at 2:47 PM  

  • Thank you, James, for giving back to the community with that post. I needed the laugh and the 'think'.

    By Blogger WNG, at 4:30 PM  

  • Karma is a bitch and she wears stilettos. I've felt it first hand. I must admit, it's much more fun watchin it get dealt.

    By Anonymous Franki, at 4:47 PM  

  • Now I'm bummed about the Santanas, too - and I don't even know if she might be a real bitch, or he is a wife-beater, or whatever...but it's sad. I love his music, and always felt like it came from a good place.

    And I hope DOG goes DOWN. Maybe we could give him to Michael Vick for a while?

    By Blogger Tiggerlane, at 5:11 PM  

  • Neat post there, James. Not that there is anything unusual about your having a neat post up here, cause you do that all the time. But this one -pointing out the various little incongruities of life, especially for some particular celebrities, some things never cease to amaze me -like income and expenses of those rich and famous for one, plain old grubbing by a certain judge and as for DOG - to be sold down the old river by his own son -No words available for that one!

    By Blogger Jeni, at 10:18 PM  

  • You just know that Dog have been dogging his son about that girl for a while and the kid just got tired of it. So he up and taped it and sold the tape. Sounds like a terrible thing, but how long would any of us tolerate our father or anyone talking like that about a person we loved?

    By Blogger Jay, at 10:42 PM  

  • Judge Roy Pearson -- his suit against the dry cleaners seems so out of line with rational behavior, I got to believe the judge is a little unstable, or he has hubris the size of an elephant's marble bag.

    Britney Spears -- her lavish lifestyle seems to compensate for what's missing in other departments of her life. Given what she spends on it, much is missing.

    Dog the Bounty Hunter -- I was amazed how quickly the media rallied around him to place his indiscretions within a larger context (comparing his to others, such as Don Imus). The result: The dog is overdue for sainthood.

    Wedgie-proof undies -- I'm all for human ingenuity and the entrepreneurial spirit that haunts those that wish to get rich quick.

    But if those undies are the breakaway kind, which the potential wedgie creator gets to snatch and keep--they'd better be clean--or the ensuing embarrassment will be greater for the wedgee (who avoided the wedgie), than the wedger (who gets to carry away more than he bargained for).

    By Anonymous the first domino, at 12:50 AM  

  • I love to hear stories of karma at work.

    Poor little junior Burnett. Wish I could get those ole meanies who did that to you.

    I never heard of wedgies until I ws an adult. Weird.

    By Blogger jali, at 10:42 PM  

  • That is hilarious. The bully-safe briefs are genius and the fall-down-laughing irony of "Dog"'s situation is true justice.

    By Blogger El Capitan!, at 12:04 AM  

  • I'm trying to understand how Kevin Federline gets $35,000 a month when that's more than a huge number of people in this country live on in a year for a family of four.

    By Blogger The CEO, at 1:14 AM  

  • i hate to say it but wedgie proof undies have been around forever. i was in high school over 20 years ago, and when wedgie-ing was the current craze some kids used to pre-rip their undies so it wouldn't hurt as much. for the record i was neither a wedgier nor wedgiee.

    By Anonymous insomniac, at 9:19 PM  

  • Couldn't have happened to a better judge.

    By Blogger qofd, at 11:22 AM  

  • Two comments;
    1) I met the Santanas a few years ago. She was on her book tour, and he came along too. They seemed like a nice couple (hell,at least he was supportive). Perhaps theyll work it out.

    2) That pants lawsuit isnt the only jacked up thing that judge has done. News sources report that he was equally litigous during his own divorce preceedings. My uncle, whos also a judge, called me up and asked me what the hell was wrong with the judicial system in DC, letting this man have a job, lol. Im so happy he got fired.


    By Blogger Lola Gets, at 12:57 PM  

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