Those moments

Pop quiz: Is it possible for you to say or do something and not be that something? Can you have a moment in which you are wrong that doesn't define you?

I bought a box of six generic, Krispy Kreme-like doughnuts over the weekend from my local grocery. Against my common sense and Mrs. B's protestations, I scarfed down every one of those sugary heart disease boosters in just two-and-a-half days. Does that make me an icing addict, a doughnut fiend? Man, I hope not, 'cause I only eat that stupidly every now and then.

But I asked the quiz question 'cause I'm sitting here watching Duane "Dog" Chapman on Hannity and Colmes explaining that the N-word never meant to him what it does to other people, that just as many black guys use it in the context of camaraderie, he meant it in a "brotherly fashion."

Hmmm. I know gay guys who call each other the F-word. If I see two men walking down the street holding hands - an obvious couple - I can't approach them, smile, and blurt out, "What's up, my (F-word)s!" I mean, I could say it. There's no law stopping me. But I have no desire to do something like that. It would be stupid. It could be mean. And common sense would prevent me from doing it, anyway.

Whatever the case, I like to think I'm a pretty reasonable guy. And my friends will tell you that I'm a sucker to a fault for what appears to be a heartfelt apology.

So back to my question. Based on my own experiences over the years with a lots of different people who live by lots of different philosophies, I think the answer is yes...with a couple of exceptions.

If, for example, you occasionally go to a party and someone offers you weed and you try it, that does not make you a marijuana addict or even a user, as "user" is defined in casual conversation. It makes you a periodic risk taker. And if your employer has the right to make you randomly pee in a cup, it makes you an idiot.

I once was at a hockey game with a bunch of managers from a newspaper where I used to work. They had taken me and several other younger reporters to watch the game from the company's luxury box 'cause we were all such arse-kicking writing machines. I kid. We were all wet behind the ears. But the bosses appreciated our rookie effort and decided to reward us. So at the end of the hockey match the WWE set up a wrestling ring on the ice for a 30 minute demo showcase of some of the league's new talent. One of their gimmicks was to have Saved by the Bell alum Dustin Diamond grapple with a real wrestler. I'm told that I was a "little" toasty by the end of the hockey game and that I spent about 10 minutes heckling Diamond by yelling Screech jokes at him from the box. Did that rant make me in need of AA? Nope. It made me feel like a fool at work the next day, after which I went right back to my "habit" of moderation.

Under these mundane examples, I'm convinced that in order to be something your relative behavior must be habitual.

And then there are the exceptions, extremes where one time'll sink ya: Murder someone, and the I-only-did-it-once defense won't get you off the hook. Beat your wife, and the I-only-did-it-once explanation won't get you off the hook.

So, Chapman's mea culpa is over now. I'm still not sure what to think. He says he's sorry. Who am I to question that? Even so, at what point do we tell folks their apologies are accepted, but they must still pay some price? If, as a child my parents let me slide every time I said sorry, I'd have made out like a bandit. I would never have "served" one day of grounding in my bedroom with no comic book or tune or telephone privileges. And I'd never have gotten several memorable smacks on the behind. Punishment does have a purpose.

Chapman also reiterated that he has so many black friends who have used the N-word around him that he's always felt he had "honorary" status that allowed him to use it too, as a friendly greeting.

I could buy that, in theory. Except that his taped conversation was not about friendly greetings. It was an expression of anger. If he really disapproved of his son's girlfriend's character, he could have called her anything, anything at all, crooked, shady, sneaky, vile, skankish, etc., but he chose to use that word. And that word, in a critical, lashing context is about a skin color, a race, nothing friendly. And that's where Chapman hurt himself.

Finally, as this show ends, I feel a little sorry for Dog. Shame on him for using this word in such anger and for not having good sense enough to know not to use it at all. Hell, even when I used to use it way back when to greet black male friends, I never, ever, ever, ever, let it be overheard. That sort of caution is what helped convince me to eventually ditch the word: If I had to be ashamed of it in mixed company I didn't need to be uttering it, regardless of context, I figured. Anyway, shame on Chapman's crackhead kid for selling him out to a tabloid for $15,000. And shame on us all that in 2007 in this country, we still haven't worked "it" out.

I hope Dog finds the peace and forgiveness he's looking for. And I hope we all take his situation as a reminder that no matter how cool or insulated we think we are, some things just aren't cool to say.

Oh, and a programming note to Fox News Channel: Since you guys are in such a forgiving mood for racially charged "slips of the tongue" and angry outbursts, are you going to give an hour long interview to former National Basketball Association star Tim Hardaway? I hear he's seeking redemption too, after being blacklisted and socially excommunicated earlier this year for a sexual orientation bias-charged rant. Hardaway said in a radio interview last spring that he hated gay people and that he didn't think homosexuals belonged in the NBA. C'mon FOX. Prove you're not hypocrites. Put Hardaway on the air...unless, of course, you think he's being a phony in his I-had-a-brain-fart, I-was-just-being-an-idiot explanations.

Weekend Roundup - Karma Edition

There's strange happenin's out there. And I don't think it's 'cause Halloween just passed.

• Santana - I just learned that Deborah Santana has filed for divorce from her genius musician husband Carlos. And it bums me out. I don't know the Santanas. I'd love to have substituted either one of them for some of the numbnut celebrities I've met and interviewed. Everything I've ever read about the two of them suggested that in spite of rough childhoods and young adulthoods they were decent people. Still may be. But they have been married for 34 years. Anything that lasts that long had to have some good attached to it. So I feel for them. Who knows? Maybe they'll work it out.
• Getting pantsed - In case you hadn't heard, the administrative judge in Washington D.C. who tried to take his dry cleaners to the cleaners, 'cause the dry cleaners occasionally completed a job late - later than their one-hour guarantee - and once lost the pants to the judge's new suit for about a week, has been canned. The district board that oversees his office decided not to grant Judge Roy Pearson a 10-year extension on his job. Instead they told him to clean out his office and scram. I don't like dry cleaners either, as a rule. Inevitably, whenever I take my best shirts to them - and I have some pretty cool shirts, a couple of them are one-of-a-kind creations, seriously - I get my shirts back with broken or missing buttons. But I don't think I'd ever sue my cleaners for $50 million or $60 million. Pearson didn't belong on the bench anyway. Now he can write a book, chronicling how Karma bit him in the ass and left a bruise.
• To whom much is given... - Some of you aren't religious. And that's OK. But surely you don't have an argument with the scripture that says "To whom much is given, much is required." As with Roy "The Pants" Pearson, it's a Karma thing. If life blesses you, you should bless life by trying to be a decent person and, maybe more importantly, trying to be decent toward other people, and maybe even more importantly, demonstrating to the rest of the world that you fully grasp how fortunate you are and that you really do appreciate how blessed you are. All that being said, my "faith" wavers when I read things like this. Apparently as part of disclosures in her ongoing custody battle with her ex-private dancer, Britney Spears turned over her finance and income statements to the court. Turns out she brings in about $730,000 a month in income. Of that she spends about $49,000 on two mortgage payments, more than $4,700 eating out - and it's mostly junk food, $16,000 for clothes, $100,000 or so on entertainment, gifts, and vacations, and, drum roll please, $500 on charity. To be fair, her pant-load of an ex-husband gets $35,000 a month of Britney's money, $15,000 for child support and $20,000 for spousal support. He spends over $13,000 a month on rent and private security, $2,000 for clothes, $5,000 for entertainment, gifts, and vacation, and $1,500 eating out. No mention of charitable spending. Are you with me? Does your faith get shaky too, when you read about mouth breathers making millions?
• Dog the Bounty Hunter - What is there to say? If you hadn't heard, Duane "Dog" Chapman, the bounty hunter with the golden pomadour-topped mullet, was captured on tape earlier this week strongly "encouraging" one of his sons to break up with his black girlfriend, because he feared the rest of the Chapman family would get caught using the N-word around her. Of course, Dog didn't say N-word. He said N-word. And he said it a lot on the tape. He said he wasn't going to lose everything he'd worked for over 30 years because some N-word heard him say N-word and recorded it and turned it over to the tabloids. A&E Network has suspended production of the show Dog the Bounty Hunter. Chapman has issued a statement apologizing and insisting that his problem wasn't with his son's girlfriend's race, but rather with her character. OK. So why didn't he tell his son "I don't want you dating this shady (or bad, or dangerous, or crooked, etc.) young woman?" If this was about her character and not her appearance, why use that word to describe her? There are three ironies here: During the taped conversation, Chapman refers to the N-word as "a racial slur"...and then he continues to use it a few more times; Chapman's pastor/spiritual advisor is black; and in continuation of this karma-themed day, it seems that Chapman's son is the one who recorded the conversation between father and son and then sold the tape to the tabloid. Ouch! That's gotta bite...you know, like teeth marks, 'cause dogs bite? Sorry, weak joke.
• Finally, a useful piece of "fabric technology" - Two Ohio boys have created wedgie-proof undies. And I'm predicting these things are gonna sell like hot cakes. When I was in first and second grade I'd have given them a little business. Laugh if you want. But they're about to be loaded. And when one of them runs for president in 30 years, I'll vote for him.