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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Sunday, January 27, 2008

We are (potentially) famous!

What's crackin' people? Almost time to head back to work.

Before I forget, I haven't forgotten that I said I'd reveal the name to my Web site. But I'm a little indecisive right now and still stuck between two names. I'll try to choose by the end of business on Monday.

Moving right along, I was just lounging and thinking about how loose a definition we've put on fame nowadays.

Sunday evening NBC aired a two hour Guinness World Records special, culminating with a live stunt in which a motorcycle rider, sped his bike through a makeshift tunnel ringed in 1,000-plus degree flames. He made it. He broke a world record for something like longest ride through a flaming tunnel.

I guess I understand people getting titles and fame for unbelievable acts.

One guy was a stunt man who got up on a 300-something foot platform and jumped onto a giant airbag. He didn't miss the bag and splatter on the ground! Or land on his face or his head. He set a record.

Another guy smashed more watermelons with his head in a minute than anyone else, assuming someone else somewhere has tried the same while a stopwatch ticked off the seconds.

A group of guys competed to see who could suck the longest spaghetti noodle into their noses and stretch the noodles intact out of their mouths.

And another guy shoved six swords down his mouth and twisted them around before yanking them out. NBC called him a sword swallower. But the swords didn't come out the other end, so as far as I'm concerned he just tasted 'em and spit 'em back out.

All stupid? Yes. But all qualified as wild and crazy acts, worthy, I guess, of a mention in a book and on an occasional TV special about odd records.

What got me though were the people on the show who "won" titles for things they allowed to happen, things that didn't require any proactive effort or even oddball talent.

There was the woman with the longest beard, who after proving she was born and still is a female, had her unusually long beard measured. She won a world record for not shaving or plucking or waxing or electrifying her chin hair.

There was the guy from India with the world's longest fingernails, and the other guy with the world's longest hair. They hadn't trimmed in 50 and 40 years respectively.

Should there really be trophies handed out for not grooming? In theory, someone, one of you perhaps could go without deodorant for the next year or so and win a title for strongest B.O. by someone in your town. Not me, of course. I treasure my sweet, sweet scent way too much.

Time for me to sign off. I'm going to go work on my world title for most consecutive years - 2.4 and counting - a guy named James Burnett has slept in this house.

See you in the record books.

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9 Comments:

  • how about an award for chewing on a stick and then sh***ng presto logs.
    just a thought.

    Egads.. I think I've been hanging around M@ too much.

    By Blogger Pamela, at 1:41 AM  

  • My husband was watching the Guinness show tonight out of desperation, I think, as there wasn't even an old Law & Order to be had.

    People were in competition to attach the most clothespins to their faces, swallow scorpions and carry pianos up a flight of stairs on their backs (only spinnets, of course.) I couldn't watch.

    I wonder if the bearded lady always dreamed of winning this honor, and whether the cameras were running when she proved that she was indeed female.

    By Blogger heartinsanfrancisco, at 2:52 AM  

  • EGAD! Going without showering and deodorant for a year! Yuck! Although, there was a hermit who lived in our village and heaven only knows how long he'd gone without washing! He also used to stroll through the overgrown bushes and grass around his house -that was also falling down around him -or sit in an old folding lawn chair among the bushes in the nude too. THe kids nicknamed him "Tarzan." It was actually very sad to watch as he was a very brilliant man who suffered from schizophrenia.

    By Blogger Jeni, at 8:17 AM  

  • I think tomorrow I will start going for the record of most Doritos eaten consecutively!

    By Blogger CrystalChick, at 10:28 PM  

  • I fear what will be on TV next if they don't end the Writer's Strike soon and start making TV again.

    By Blogger The CEO, at 10:51 PM  

  • Well James, I hope you do get a great night sleep. How are you and your lovely wife going? Take care ok :)

    By Blogger Cazzie!!!, at 7:32 AM  

  • James--You get the record for the strongest B.O. How's that!?

    By Blogger M@, at 9:30 PM  

  • Pam, that's not nice.

    By Blogger M@, at 9:31 PM  

  • Pamela, M@ is rubbing off on you. Tsk, tsk. Kidding.

    HeartsinSanFran, I was thinking the same thing: no Law & Order, so I may as well watch.

    Jeni, sounds like Tarzan didn't know any better. So we'll spare him from the trophy.

    Crystalchick, if it was honey-roasted peanuts I'd compete with you.

    Monty, pretty soon watching static could get more interesting than some of what passes for entertainment right now.

    Cazzie, I slept well. And Mrs. B and I are doing fine. She's healthy. We're happy. As the kids say, it's all good! I hope things are good Down Under?

    M@, my scent trandscends description. And quit corrupting Pamela.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 10:53 PM  

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