What is James thinking?

What's crackin', folks? Been doing a little reporting the past week or so, exercising the day job, 'cause I have bills to pay. But I've been thinking about you guys. Seriously. And if, like John Malkovich, I could somehow let you inside my bean you'd have heard me pondering the following 20 questions in my absence:

1. I don't want to think about Britney. But I can't help thinking about Britney. I know the pundits keep comparing her downward spiral to that of Anna Nicole Smith, but I wonder if I'm the only one who sees a little bit of Lupe Velez in her?
2. Why is it than when Mrs. B had a procedure done on Friday that involved X-ray, the doctor, who invited me to stay close, only made me wear a lead-filled protective vest that covered my upper torso and my boys down below? If that X-ray was so potentially dangerous, shouldn't I have been wearing a lead hat and face mask too? I like liked my pre-microwaved brain.
3. I'm not supporting anyone for president this year - except maybe Dave Barry, but I'm tired of candidates suffering in polls and ratings over superficial qualities. Take John McCain. You may not like him or his positions. But he has experience. I wonder though if in his own party his experience will eventually be overlooked because of his advanced age. I mean is he gonna get "Bob Doled," just 'cause he's a senior citizen?
4. And speaking of superficial qualities, on the other side of the political spectrum, I know that Hilary Clinton, Barack Obama, and John Edwards are playing the games too. It's what politicians do. But why is it OK for Clinton to pepper her speeches sometimes with the reminder that voters could make history by making her the first female president, but it's not OK for Barack Obama to remind voters that he could make history by being the first ethnic minority president? If that would constitute him playing the "race card," isn't she playing the gender card?
5. And why are the Democratic candidates arguing over who's more or less like MLK and JFK, anyway? NONE of them could hold MLK's or JFK's jock straps.
6. Moving right along, but still on the old Political Road, can someone explain to me why Bob Johnson, billionaire founder of Black Entertainment Television, while introducing Clinton at a campaign rally the other day managed to question Barack Obama's morals and not get called a hypocrite for doing so? Am I nuts, or is this the same Bob Johnson who made his billion-plus dollars by peddling to a largely black audience brainless music videos featuring rappers bragging about cash, cars and homes they didn't really have, disrespecting women, and graphically describing criminal activity? And yet Obama is immoral? Hmmm.
7. Why does this orange stray cat on my block keep bringing dead birds up to my front door? I don't think I've ever said anything nice to this cat. Why bring gifts? I'll bet Mrs. B feeds him.
8. How cool was it a couple of weeks ago that temperatures got so low here in South Florida - wind chills in the 30s overnight in some spots - that we had an excuse to use our fireplace for a couple of nights? I'm always looking for an excuse to do torch a log or two in that thing during "winter" down here.
9. How is it that doctors can X-ray, scan, or ultrasound virtually everything inside your body, but when it comes to prostate exams they still have to shove a tube or a pipe in your bum to look around? I had a doctor's appointment earlier this week, and even though it'll be a good long while before I see 40, the doc was kind enough to offer a prostate exam. I declined. I've gotta get counseling and get my head right, before I allow that to happen to me.
10. Has caffeine just been a placebo for me all these years? I wonder. Ever since I cut back on coffee - roughly five cups in the past four weeks - I've noticed my energy level hasn't really fallen off at all.
11. How come the dude I startled on the train platform one morning, just as he was singing "don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me" in accompaniment to his iPod, just kept singing? Was he incredibly confident in himself, or what? I wish I had that kind of confidence that I could get caught singing girly lyrics and not care who heard me. Not that I'd sing girly lyrics. I'm all manly tunes.
12. Why is it that when a young black man was arrested and charged earlier this week for the recent fatal shooting of an off-duty black cop, the same black Fort Lauderdale city commissioner who regularly criticizes police in fatal officer-involved shootings did not issue a public statement condemning the murder of the cop? And while I'm thinking about it, I wonder how many South Florida preachers next Sunday will tell their parishioners that enough's enough, and there is no longer any excuse for not turning on and turning in perps who shoot innocent people?
13. How come, the day I rode the train to work this week, an angry woman bypassed several rows of empty seats and plopped down next to me, and spent the next 20 minutes grumbling aloud about how much she hates people?
14. Why do I think that Hulu.com will be the death of some cable television? And why am I so happy about that?
15. Why are there so many posers in Miami? Let me rephrase that. If I had the money to afford a $65,000 luxury car, when I stopped at a gas station I'd fill up. At least that's what I was thinking when the guy in the Jaguar XJ pulled up next to me, pumped $9 worth of gas, counted out the cash and then went inside to pay. A Jag and no credit or debit card to use at the pump? Signs of posing. I knew a guy like that in college - great car, nice clothes, but barely a crumb in his pantry and little more than a card table in his apartment. He was so broke just keeping up appearances with that car that he'd stop for gas and put $3 here and $2 there in the tank, 'cause he never had enough to fill it up all the way.
16. How is it that domestic animals, especially cats, don't seem to mind the taste of their own grimy crotches and behinds? I don't get how an animal with a palate for fine seafood could reconcile those other tastes so willingly, all in the name of "cleaning" oneself.
17. What is the threshold age for finally being sick of MTV? I think I'm just about there. The latest season of the Real World just ended, and I can honestly say I didn't see one complete episode. In fact, at most, I saw 10 minutes or so of two episodes. Didn't care to see the rest.
18. Why are tiny elastic T-shirts, those Baby Gap-like nightclub tees, making a comeback among muscled dudes? I've seen at least a half dozen steroidal dudes proudly walking around in those things lately. I thought they were filming A Night at the Roxbury II, or something.
19. Why do rappers I used to like keep coming out of retirement? Why don't they do like retired non-steroidal baseball players and become talent scouts and travel the globe looking for artists who have more to say than booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty, booty?
20. Why am I cooler than the other side of the pillow? It should be a crime.