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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Thursday, January 18, 2007

Quit grabbing my muffin sack!

To anyone who read that title and drew a sexual connotation: shame on you!

I'm really talking about a sack of muffins...bakery. I have a pet peeve about how my muffins get handled at my favorite local semi-hippie grocery store.

Generally, I'm not a fan of hippies 'cause of that whole dirt-lovin' job-fearin' thing, but you gotta give it to them. They know how to put together some healthy food. BTW, I'm kidding about the hippie hate. I know some wonderful hippies who work in the summer and bathe at least once a week.

So I compromise, and occasionally, shuffling and kicking my feet like a child being dragged into church or the doctor's office, I'll join my wife on a trip to the hippie food store.

After work Wednesday we went to that store, grabbed a few items, made fun of the handful of people we saw wearing tight shiny too-short things (with really high heels) as if they were at a night club, and then we got in the checkout line.

The cashier was nice and friendly, average friendly, not like the one who told us her life story and wished us luck cooking our food. But when he got to my bag of muffins he picked up the bag and squeezed it as though that would tell him what was inside and how much he should charge.

This is the third time that has happened to me at this particular store. The last time, a ham-fisted cashier strangled my muffins, and she inadvertently rubbed the icing off of my favorite muffin by squeezing too hard trying to figure out the "mystery in the paper bag." I was crushed...and so was my muffin.

My wife saved the day this time. She managed to halt the muffin assault by telling the cashier "there are two muffins" inside the bag.

He said "Oh," stopped squeezing and rang them up.

Why didn't I think of that? Better yet, why didn't store management think of that?

Ask what's in the frickin' bakery bags. It's a better policy. I'll tell you what's inside. Just step away from the muffins. No one and no pastry need to get hurt.

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  • I have the same problems with fresh pears.

    The cashiers just throw them around and the courtesy clerk throws the milk in on top of them.

    I save them for last and hand them to the clerk and say... be kind to my pears or else.

    By Blogger Pamela, at 12:55 AM  

  • im sorry but i was gigglin like a catholic school girl passin the the local football team practicing. good lord.

    dontcha hate it when they manhandle your muffins? i sure as hell do..

    whats worse is my abuelita used to call a girls vajayjay a muffin. killed that whole pastry for me. lol

    made fun of the handful of people we saw wearing tight shiny too-short things (with really high heels) as if they were at a night club

    nothin makes me laugh more than a woman who grocery shops or does laundry in platforms. haahahahahaa!!!
    *pushes her laundry day platforms under the bed* shame on them! lol

    By Blogger Yasamin, at 12:56 AM  

  • Dude, never heard it called a "Muffin Sack". I'll use that. Not a lot of hippies here. A shit load of them in Austin. Whole Foods stores are their temple. Wish we had one here, though the FHB ain't much into healthy stuff. I'm not a hater, AS YOU KNOW, but I figure you gotta die of somethin', and I want to have a good sloppy taste in my mouth when the end comes. Anyway, thanks for comin' over to mine and leavin' somethin'. You know I appreciate your take on things.

    By Blogger Fathairybastard, at 1:58 AM  

  • Good thing they were muffins and not bavarian cream filled donuts!!

    By Blogger Michael C, at 2:09 AM  

  • My store has a muffin box with a see through top.

    hmmmm.. that sounds worse.

    By Blogger Hammer, at 3:27 AM  

  • I used to work in a bakery and I think we used boxes for the muffins... Can't quite remember.

    When are you going to demand that your wife quits her job, and stays home to cook you muffins James?

    God I pray that my wife doesn't read this comment.

    By Blogger captain corky, at 6:12 AM  

  • James, am I missing something? I read your title and first-line disclaimer. Then I read and reread the post several times, but couldn't find the part where they grabbed your muffin sack. The closest I saw was, "she inadvertently rubbed the icing off of my favorite," and "there are two muffins." Were those them?

    By Anonymous The Sarcasticynic, at 6:34 AM  

  • Never mind Captain Corky's sexist comments - I can supply you with a muffin recipe, or two, & you can amaze everyone & cook your own!

    By Anonymous bronchitikat, at 7:02 AM  

  • I dress like that at the grocery store. Then I handle people's muffins.

    By Blogger mist1, at 8:31 AM  

  • Until now I've never given muffin-handling much thought. Now I feel inspired to start a foundation or something. A society to prevent cruelty to muffins perhaps. The hippies would be all for it, I think. Don't hippies love preventing cruelty? Research is needed...

    By Blogger QofD, at 11:32 AM  

  • My only regret is that I cannot go back in time ten years to implement my new "No Cunnilingus For Hippies" policy.

    By Blogger Matt, at 12:14 PM  

  • I met a guy today who lost a foot in the war. Um gonna tell him that muffin story. :)

    By Blogger Matt, at 12:16 PM  

  • I didn't think boys had muffins. When I was in high school, I went to a nerdy science camp for two weeks. We spent one day catching/harvesting seafood for a big feast. A bunch of us were digging for mussels, and one girl in the group moved to a different spot. A boy in our group then started to dig where she was, and when she returned she exclaimed "Hey! Get outta my mussel hole!" Brilliant. Still funny, 21 years later...

    On a totally different note - how's your wife recuperating from surgery?

    By Blogger bc, at 1:17 PM  

  • I wanna be mist1 when I grow up.

    By Blogger Christina_the_wench, at 1:52 PM  

  • Pamela, I feel ya. I don't like anyone crushing my fruit either. It's just disrespectful. Seriously, bruised pears (or apples, etc.) are the worst. Stop giggling, Yas.

    FatHairy, I heard Austin was hippie central. And I'm all about the sloppy food. But I concede to my wife, 'cause while I hate the healthy stuff, I know she's right.

    Yeah, Michael, it could have been an environmental disaster if they'd squeezed so hard jelly or icing went everywhere.

    Hammer, I like the box with the see-through top idea. I just like see-through tops...kidding Mrs. B.

    Corky, I'll demand that right about the time I demand she gets barefoot and pregnant...and makes lemonade. I'm gonna tell Mrs. Corky on you.

    Sarc, I wrote about how the cashier last evening grabbed and squeezed the muffin sack and how it's the third time it's happened to me at that store.

    Bronchitikat, I'll take you up on those muffin recipes. Better I make 'em myself (or beg my wife to make 'em), than have 'em man-handled in the grocery.

    Mist1, I'm starting to suspect you have an ulterior motive for going food shopping.

    Queen, just give me a seat on your foundation's board. I'm all for this sort of research.

    Matt, you're a dirty, dirty boy. But do tell the Vet the story. It sounds like he's had a rough go of it and could use a laugh.

    "Mussel hole?" OK, that one was intentional.

    And thanks for asking about my wife. She's well.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 1:54 PM  

  • Christina, we all wanna be Mist1 when we grow up.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 2:05 PM  

  • Personally, I like having my muffins squeezed. But, don't touch my Krispy Kremes!


    By Blogger SWF41, at 4:27 PM  

  • I know exactly what you mean! The same thing used to happen to me everytime I picked up a muffin.

    So I stopped buying them.

    Also, must admit I find it pretty amusing that "squeezing" is officially a label on your blog.

    By Blogger thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy, at 6:42 PM  

  • I soooooo thought I was going to get sexually harrassed (hair-assed) from the title of this post.

    I want my money back, Muffin Man.

    By Blogger 123Valerie, at 12:09 AM  

  • SWF41, I am intrigued. WWHSD? Homer Simpson would say "mmmmm, Krispy Kremes." Traditional icing, or powdered?

    Yes, ThirdWorst, we at Burnettiquette like our squeezing to be official. I'm gonna start baking my own muffins.

    123Valerie, I usually aim to please. But I gotta keep it PG-13. I have bills to pay.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 1:27 AM  

  • My conscience is getting the better of me here! I guess I should have mentioned that my wife is also finishing up her masters in English and teaching two sections of English 102 classes, but when she's not doing that she's barefoot and cooking muffins.

    By Blogger captain corky, at 5:49 AM  

  • Why don't they just use see-through bags??

    By Blogger Balou, at 2:10 PM  

  • No worries, Capt. But I'll bet your wife made you "edit" your comment! ha ha ha ha ha ha! I'm teasing. I'm in the same boat. All married men talk big. But we're all scared of our wives.

    Balou, I think that's a good idea. A hands-free "see-through" policy.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 3:34 PM  

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