An Open Letter to Extra, ET, Access Hollywood, Inside Edition, E! Entertainment Network, and MTV, among others

Dear Entertainment News Networks,

For the past six or seven years you have led the charge in perpetuating the hype surrounding the invention of the "celebutant."

You have glorified people with no inner glory. You have elevated to hero and heroine and star status people whose only original contributions to Earth were the steaming half-pound they left in the toilet each day and sucking away good breathing air that the rest of us could have used.

You have, like a sidewalk pharmacist, peddled the cheap high of quick glimpses into lavish living, knowing full well that the desperate and sad and even the genuinely ambitious among us would soak it all up like a collective crack head looking for that last crumb to cook, cut, and smoke.

You saw that the empress had no clothes, and you praised her wardrobe anyway.

And now, the queen of this wag-the-dog kingdom you created has shown a huge sign of tarnish. In this day and age where nothing done outside the confines of your own home is ever truly a secret, your queen has been caught on tape uttering most foul language about ethnic minorities and gay people - essentially "groups" of people who hadn't done anything to offend her, certainly nothing that warranted the language she used.

For years she periodically denied harboring the hateful feelings behind the language she used on the most recently "released" video. But she's been "outed." The tape, like statistics - thank you Mark Twain, doesn't lie.

So I ask, Mighty Networks, are you all talk? Or are you sincere about reporting "real" celebrity news?

Think hard before you answer. Because if your answer is the latter, that means the "right" thing to do is stop telling us stories about her. Stop reporting when she has an underwear malfunction. Stop telling us when her tiny dog escapes Hollywood and flees to South L.A. for some peace and quiet. Stop telling us when she doesn't show up for $1 million public appearances at nightclubs whose owners hope to cash in on her infamy. Stop telling us when she's overheard making light of some immoral or amoral behavior. Until she publicly apologizes for her behavior and her recorded bigoted language, and demonstrates a socially redeeming quality without first being advised to do so by a publicist, just stop talking about Paris Hilton.

Sincerely Yours,
Burnettiquette

CC: Nicole Ritchie (don't forget Nicole, your dad belongs to one of the groups she spoke so harshly of), Publishing Houses, Hamburger Joints, Fragrance Makers, Fashion Designers, Owners of About-to-Open Nightclubs, Animal Shelters that approve her for adoption, and every shameful mother who took her pre-teen daughter to one of Ms. Hilton's book signings or public appearances for an autograph