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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Tuesday, June 12, 2007


I thought I had seen everything, until I saw this story from CBS 5, KPIX TV, in the San Francisco area about a secret government plan to create a gay bomb.

That is not a typo. Apparently in 1994 a U.S. Air Force lab in Ohio requested government funds to develop a bomb that when dropped over enemy combatants would release a chemical that, in theory, caused same-sex enemy troops to become intensely attracted to one another so that they would lose their will to fight and spend all their time hooking up with one another.

This is the best weapon we can come up with in this day and age when cars can talk and run on hydrogen and parallel park themselves?

Seriously, if they ever revive this bomb project I want that lab to develop an aversion-to-crack bomb to be dropped over drug-addled, depressed, urban neighborhoods and a distaste-for-meth bomb to be dropped over rural areas. I want an anti-prostitution bomb dropped along the Ho Stroll that is better known as Federal Highway from downtown Miami, all the way up to Hollywood, Fla. The idea would be for the crack- and meth-heads to stop putting poison in their bodies, and for the 'tutes to put some clothes on and just stop.

While they're at it, I would like the Air Force to develop a quiet bomb and shove it right up the tail pipes of the numbnut drivers who roll at 5-miles-per-hour past my house bumping brain-rattling booty music. I want them to start speeding by my house while playing instrumental jazz at the next-to-lowest volume level. Maybe there's room for a murder bomb that would compel stupid people who kill for fun or fits of anger to hug it out or at worst call their enemies bad names and then walk away. Definitely gotta have a lazy bomb for that dude on my block who sat at home and played video games all day - and was proud of it - while his wife was out working. And can't forget the Hooked-on-Phonics bomb for the underachieving children whose parents allow them to think that books are for classrooms only and video games and eight hour TV marathons are for home.

Specifically in South Florida, a bad driver bomb would be good, along with an incivility/rudeness bomb, a bad neighbor bomb, and a posers-pretending-to-be-rich-while-partying-on-South-Beach-when-in-reality-back-in-their-apartments-they-don't-have-a-crumb-to-eat-or-a-pot-to-piss-in bomb.

For the whole country - and surely this is possible if we could develop the Fat Man and Little Boy bombs that leveled big chunks of Japan to conclude World War II - can we just drop a common sense bomb already?

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  • James, I thought you figured it out by now.... South Florida is where they originally tested the technology. They've already dropped the bad driver/rudeness/bad neighbor and poser bombs.

    You want the cure bombs... so sorry funding for those was cut in early 2003 when Bush realized he and his entire staff would be wiped out by the rational thought bomb.

    By Blogger Wavemancali, at 4:38 PM  

  • I have no problem with your bombatory; but, can't you put out a bomblet that I could toss towards the occasional girl of my dreams that passes by?

    By Blogger Dave, at 6:40 PM  

  • Haha... Love bomb. Isn't that what the world really needs? Where are my hemp necklaces and dreads??

    By Blogger Erica AP, at 7:32 PM  

  • Amazing what the upper echelons of the military come up with sometimes, isn't it? So much for Military Intelligence...

    By Blogger BobG, at 8:03 PM  

  • make love not war???
    been there... done that. bwaaa ha aha haa. I survived the sixties.

    Hey!! I'll be a guinea pig for that skinny bomb. I'd love to have a waste line and ankles again.

    By Blogger Pamela, at 9:43 PM  

  • I love the gay bomb. That's just hilarious. They would drop that bomb and then all of the sudden the other side would be listening to Cher and their uniforms would be faaaaaaaaaaabulous!

    I think some of those bombs you described should come in hand-held form so we can toss them out when needed in a building or even some place as small as an office.

    By Blogger Jay, at 10:32 PM  

  • Can we hear it for the development of the "Stuck in the Sixties Bomb" in order to wipe out all of my pothead neighbors who think that John Lennon's Imagine would make sound foreign policy?

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 10:34 PM  

  • The gay bomb would never work. Everybody knows the only way one could "cause" someone to turn gay would be to be exposed to a gay teacher, counselor, minister, or boy scout leader.

    By Blogger The Sarcasticynic, at 10:35 PM  

  • That is unbelievable...and I make stuff up all the time.

    By Blogger Michael C, at 11:26 PM  

  • Boy somebody needs to write an adaptation of Lysistrata based on this gay bomb! I think it would make a fabulous musical!

    By Blogger latinbombshell, at 12:07 AM  

  • lol burnett. that was an outstanding rant man. lol

    i want a hotchick bomb to hit my house and suddenly make everyone in a 40 foot radius extremely hot and sexy.

    i'm shallow like that. ;p

    By Blogger What A Crock, at 1:28 AM  

  • A gender identity disorder bomb, well, I will be damned!! I have now seen it all.

    By Blogger Cazzie!!!, at 6:59 AM  

  • I was in South Beach recently, I think they dropped the gay bomb there.

    Also possibly a "must have a teeny dog" bomb.

    By Blogger Lee, at 7:52 AM  

  • Why do they think gay guys can't fight? Have they never heard of a vicious queen?

    By Blogger Balou, at 8:23 AM  

  • That was one great post and boy, some terrific comments too! Common sense -what the heck is that anyway? It does seem to have died many years ago. A "gay bomb" though, huh? I never heard about that deal but, considering how our govt. operates at times, it doesn't surprise me in the least that some idiot would come up with an idea like that! Your ideas on the other hand, all make perfectly good sense to me! Just keep dropping those type of "bombs" here in your blog and who knows, maybe in another 300-400 years or so someone will read this and wonder what on earth type of civilization was this anyway! Ah, to dream, huh?

    By Blogger Jeni, at 1:04 PM  

  • Very Funny! I like your ideas for how to spend tax payer money!

    By Blogger Tarrie, at 3:10 PM  

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