What!!!!

I thought I had seen everything, until I saw this story from CBS 5, KPIX TV, in the San Francisco area about a secret government plan to create a gay bomb.

That is not a typo. Apparently in 1994 a U.S. Air Force lab in Ohio requested government funds to develop a bomb that when dropped over enemy combatants would release a chemical that, in theory, caused same-sex enemy troops to become intensely attracted to one another so that they would lose their will to fight and spend all their time hooking up with one another.

This is the best weapon we can come up with in this day and age when cars can talk and run on hydrogen and parallel park themselves?

Seriously, if they ever revive this bomb project I want that lab to develop an aversion-to-crack bomb to be dropped over drug-addled, depressed, urban neighborhoods and a distaste-for-meth bomb to be dropped over rural areas. I want an anti-prostitution bomb dropped along the Ho Stroll that is better known as Federal Highway from downtown Miami, all the way up to Hollywood, Fla. The idea would be for the crack- and meth-heads to stop putting poison in their bodies, and for the 'tutes to put some clothes on and just stop.

While they're at it, I would like the Air Force to develop a quiet bomb and shove it right up the tail pipes of the numbnut drivers who roll at 5-miles-per-hour past my house bumping brain-rattling booty music. I want them to start speeding by my house while playing instrumental jazz at the next-to-lowest volume level. Maybe there's room for a murder bomb that would compel stupid people who kill for fun or fits of anger to hug it out or at worst call their enemies bad names and then walk away. Definitely gotta have a lazy bomb for that dude on my block who sat at home and played video games all day - and was proud of it - while his wife was out working. And can't forget the Hooked-on-Phonics bomb for the underachieving children whose parents allow them to think that books are for classrooms only and video games and eight hour TV marathons are for home.

Specifically in South Florida, a bad driver bomb would be good, along with an incivility/rudeness bomb, a bad neighbor bomb, and a posers-pretending-to-be-rich-while-partying-on-South-Beach-when-in-reality-back-in-their-apartments-they-don't-have-a-crumb-to-eat-or-a-pot-to-piss-in bomb.

For the whole country - and surely this is possible if we could develop the Fat Man and Little Boy bombs that leveled big chunks of Japan to conclude World War II - can we just drop a common sense bomb already?