Michael Vick is a skinny blond addict

It's official now, or will be in a few days: Michael Vick is guilty. Sort of. So feel free to bash him now.

He's poised to cop pleas next week to some wrong doing, but in the usual manner curiously reserved for people who can afford the best attorneys, it appears he won't actually have to plead guilty to the worst of what he was accused of - dog fighting, dog murder, etc. It looks like he'll get to plead to something like conspiracy, and violating interstate commerce laws, etc.

Maybe he'll get a year-and-a-half in prison, maybe a little more, maybe less. One thing's for sure. He'll serve a lot less time than if he wasn't rich and famous and hadn't had the best lawyers arguing on his behalf. The rich and famous part wouldn't be as relevant if it wasn't tied to the best (meaning high-priced) lawyers part. But who are we kidding? It would have been refreshing to see him step up and say "I did it. I didn't think about the harm, the foul, etc. But I did it. I allowed dog-fighting and executions to go on on my property. I watched the fights. I gave money to finance the fights and back the gambling element of it....I was wrong. No excuses. I'll take my lumps." To be fair though, in his position I guess I'd have tried to get a deal too. I'm pretty sure I'm not noble.

So anyway, Michael Vick has become Paris Hilton. Actually he has become Nicole Richie. Lindsay Lohan. He is rich and famous and has managed to secure a fraction of the punishment his behavior calls for. He has become another symbol of irresponsible privilege getting away with "murder." What the hell? Do you have to eat a live baby on a plate made from endangered elephant tusks to actually get a substantial punishment if you're young, rich, and famous in this country? If I ever decide to misuse the great pimp-slap of justice I'm either gonna go to Los Angeles to do it or I'll try out for a pro sports team. That way I'll be assured at least a ticker tape parade on my way into jail and on my way back out an hour-and-a-half later.

Thank God I'm unable - and unwilling to try - to picture Michael Vick in high heels, drunk, with a breast accidentally falling out of his shirt, or a drawerless butt cheek peeking out from under his skirt, or crack rocks falling out of his pocket, or crashing his car into a tree, or speeding with his lights off the wrong way up a one-way street.

But he is now a member of the sisterhood. He is a Lohan, a Richie, a Hilton. Even after he gets out of prison (if he goes). I'll never look at Vick the same again, because he'll look like a skinny blond woman to me.

Michael Vick

I love dogs.

Not like those chowderheads running the rent-a-dog outfit in Cali. I mean I am a dog lover. I'm one of those people who doesn't mind a big clumsy dog slobbering on his face, or catching a face full of hot, steamy dragon breath. It's my second least favorite chore behind cleaning the cat's litter box, but I even carry my plastic baggies on walks to pick up my dog's fresh biscuits.

Dogs are cool.

Atlanta Falcons quarterback Michael Vick used to be cool to some people. I already wasn't a fan, 'cause like so many other gifted jocks, even if he didn't do this dog fighting thing, Vick doesn't seem to grasp the concept of "To whom much is given, much is required." But that's another post. So regardless, in theory Vick still should be cool to his fans, because he has not been convicted of anything.

Charged? Yes. And yes, criminal charges are typically based on prosecutors declaring they have enough alleged evidence to nail a suspect to the wall. But "innocent until proven guilty" has to be more than a cliche. It's scary to me that it isn't anymore.

I admit I am one of the worst about calling for people's heads after I see them accused of something on Nancy Grace, or under investigation on Court TV. But it is a dangerous place we're in when an accusation is enough to completely write a person off. I'm watching people march and picket and declare what sort of punishment Vick should suffer, and as far as I know he hasn't even had the chance via due process to put on a formal defense against the formal charges. I mean, it may be unlikely, but it is possible he didn't have anything to do with his cousins, friends, and acquaintances fighting and killing dogs on his secondary property.

I read what was available of the Vick indictment. Doesn't look good for him. But for now that stuff is still just accusation. Let the man work. Let him throw footballs until/unless he's convicted. I mean if he was charged with messing with kids then yes, I could see keeping him away from his elementary school teaching job, until his case is decided. Better safe than sorry, right? And when the job description for NFL quarterback starts including "must train dogs," then I say bench Vick. Otherwise, let the man earn his keep until he either pleads guilty or a jury convicts or acquits him, one way or another.

In the mean time, I'm gonna start P.E.T.H., People for the Ethical Treatment of Humans (there's already PETH in Canada, but that group's about medical research and science), 'cause once we figure how to consistently exercise common sense toward "animals" with whom we have the ability to communicate on equal terms, we'll instinctively start treating the so-called less intelligent animals with the care and kindness they deserve.

But I'm still not going vegetarian. I have my limits. I will compromise though. I will allow the next chicken I eat to give a victim impact statement before I dig in.