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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Random chowder heads

  • The guy with the red Ferrari parked outside a Hollywood Blvd. Sandwich shop earlier in the evening. I sat outside the shop waiting for my take-away order and watched this guy walk up to his car, take an attempted subtle look around clearly hoping he was being watched, and caress the hood for a sec. Sorry dude, I think I might've been your only audience member. Anyway, this rocket scientist grabbed a parking receipt from under a wiper blade, crumpled it, tossed it on the ground next to the car, and replaced it with a new receipt. A small piece of paper, I know, but it was very uncool to toss it like that. Besides, how dumb do you have to be to put those parking slips on the outside of your car?
  • The elderly woman in line in the grocery next to me who kept nudging the woman in front of her with a loaded grocery cart. One bump is an accident. Two are careless. Three or more? Intentional, and a sign of impatience or insanity. The woman in front, who happened to be pregnant, turned and asked in an exasperated tone if the cart pusher minded? The cart pusher waved her off. So the pregnant woman got angrier and said if she'd been hit hard enough by the cart she could've fallen and injured herself or her baby. The elderly woman's response? "You want me to hurt you? If I wanted to hurt you or your baby I could."
  • The guy walking by my house who hocked up a huge a huge one and spit his goo on my hedges as my wife and I stood just feet away grooming the lawn. He felt the eyeballs searing the back of his head, 'cause he turned and sheepishly apologized seconds later. I guess I'm glad he didn't let fly on the sidewalk where someone could've stepped in it, but my hedges? Why not that little strip of grass on the other side of the sidewalk, the one that belongs to the city, not me?
  • The guy who tripped and nearly took a face full of sidewalk the other night while I was on my way into a club with my guys. Don't get mad. I'm not clowning him because he tripped. I'm clowning him because of why he tripped: he was wearing really dark sunglasses late at night in an apparent lame attempt to look cool. And apparently he couldn't see where he was walking. Hmmm. Pitch-black glasses in the dark? No lack-of-vision-related accidents waiting to happen there.


  • But--but-- how else are the cool people supposed to differentiate themselves from the common plebs? And how will the bouncers know who's worthy of crossing the velvet ropes??

    By Anonymous MM, at 9:29 AM  

  • I always wonder about those people who wear there sunglasses at night. It never looks good when it obvious that one is trying so hard.

    Did you used to write for the Milwaukee Journal Sentinel?

    By Blogger Rachel, at 12:13 PM  

  • Why do guys do that anyway? I mean the hack-spit thing?

    (Even funnier: roll these three chowder heads into one: Guy makes love to car. Puts receipt outside. Spits on sidewalk and trips because he can't see with his glasses.)

    By Blogger Manola Blablablanik, at 12:13 PM  

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