Free kicks in the teeth!

I am a suspicious person by nature. I don't mean suspect, though some folks might disagree. I mean I am suspicious of some strangers, because I can't figure out what motivates their actions.

And see, that's part of the problem with suspicious folks like me. Sometimes we're unwilling to accept that there is no ulterior motive, that sometimes people are nice, or friendly, or good, just because they are that way.

Those people who feel genuine, who talk good sense to me, those people I know - whether through friendship or mere acquaintanceship, and those people I've had a chance to observe over a reasonable period of time, I trust. I trust that when they do something nice, friendly, etc., it's 'cause they're nice, friendly, etc. And I trust that when they're not so nice they're also just being themselves.

I'd love to blame my suspicious nature on living in Miami. But my old friends will tell you I've always been this way.

The guy who hit me up on the sidewalk for a buck? I was the guy in college who gave him a stamp and an envelope instead and told him to go mail someone a job application. What can I say? I was a part-time jerk. To be fair though, I was young and had not yet fully learned the definition of compassion, as the recipient or the giver. And I was a little bitter, 'cause all through college I worked 50-plus hours per week to pay my tuition and bills. So anyone asking me for even half a penny would've gotten 'tude from me.

Anyway I rambled on about all of that so I could work up the nerve to admit this afternoon I found myself sitting with my laptop in front of a television. And Oprah was on.

It was the start of her show and the camera panned crowd of would-be audience members lined up outside Oprah's studio at the buttcrack of dawn. Suddenly from across the street, this guy showed up offering free hugs to the crowd. He held up a sign that read "Free Hugs." And people hugged him. Please watch - Oprah showed this video to the audience later in the show - and I'll meet you on the other side:



So there you have it. The guy in the crushed velvet blazer told Oprah that he moved back home not so long ago, only to find his friends and family moved away (were they hiding from him?). So to fill the void, he made his sign, posted up in a public place, and began offering hugs.

Am I the only one who thinks this guy is a nutjob? If some guy walked up to me and offered to hug me, I would cross to the other side of the street. And if he persisted, I'd be inclined to clock him like Popeye. And no, that's not homophobia. It's strangerphobia, and nutjobphobia.

I asked my wife later what she thought, and, of course, she thought it was a sweet gesture.

What if some guy walked up to your teenage daughters as they roamed the mall and offered to hug 'em? Or your wife, or girlfriend, or your elderly frail mother? Ladies, same goes for a strange woman offering to hug the men in your life...for "free."

No dice. This is looney.

You got hugs? Unless you're a supermodel, I got restraining orders (or tasers, if necessary).

Besides, even if you are a supermodel you probably only want to hug me so you can slip me a drug and steal my kidney.

Did I mention that I am suspicious? Still, the kidney possibility is on the house. I saw it on Nip/Tuck.

Anyway, if you too are a dude in a crushed velvet blazer with mutton chop sideburns - actually, if you're a dude period, who isn't friend or family - keep your hugs to yourself. And don't even think about holding my hand.