A Public Service Announcement

As a general rule I do not look at men. At least I don't look at them in that way.

Like everyone else, I'm sure, I do look at almost everyone I see with a bit of curiosity. Sometimes it's 'cause they just look different. Sometimes it's a pretty woman. And before I get any tsk tsks for saying that, my beautiful wife knows that all men glance from time to time (and if they say they don't they're liars). So there!

One thing I've seen a lot of lately - and this is the second time I've had to write about it - is men wearing pants that don't fit. I can't tell you how many dudes I've seen lately wearing pants that were holding on for dear life, pants that you could almost hear screaming because their stitching was about to burst. The funny thing is the last time I wrote about this I was living in the upper Midwest, and I assumed it was because I was in a place where fashion trends sometimes arrived a year or two after they'd hit the coasts. Not so. I'm seeing the same thing here in Miami, supposedly a fashion Mecca.

Guys for many many years this was something we were able to tease our female friends and relatives about: squeezing themselves into trousers that were made for someone of a different size.

Now, we do it too...regularly...in public. It disturbs me.

There are two exceptions: if you're a member of an '80s rock tribute band, you are permitted to wear tight pants of any fabric anytime you want. And if you ride bulls or angry horses in rodeos, you are permitted to wear tight denim jeans. I guess they help produce that whole bow-legged thing.

Anyway, fellas we have a responsibility to demonstrate that we're not fashion brain-dead. So there are a couple of simple rules you must follow:

• If you don't work on stage or at the rodeo, no tight jeans or leather pants.
• Even though they're popular these days, flat front slacks are not for all of us.
• You may wear flat fronts if you're slim from the waist down. Don't try to squeeze into 'em just 'cause you saw a model in a magazine wearing them. We all know that models live on condiment packets lifted from fast food restaurants. One-a-day keeps the calories away.
• If your thighs and gut are substantial, I hate to tell you, but you should probably be wearing pants with pleats.
• Sure pleats are very daddish and very 1980s and early '90s, but they are there for a reason: to give thick folks room to breath in the leg/thigh area, and to avoid your pants bunching up down there and creating that swooshing sound when you walk. Besides, pleats aren't just a design touch. They also take attention away from the belly.

I'm not hatin'. I'm just exhorting my friends of all sizes and reminding myself to wear clothes that flatter our bodies.

And ladies the same rules apply to you and low-riders.

***Clarification*** You do not have to be thick in the thigh to wear pleated pants, guys. If you like the style wear them. Wear flats. Whatever. But if you are extra thick in the thigh then you probably should wear pleats.