The earth ain't so warm that we have to spare squares

I love the earth. I live here. Why wouldn't I? So it's in my best interest to try and help keep it healthy.

That being said, with no scientific foundation to base this on, I'm pretty confident the earth would kill me before allowing me to kill it. So there are limits to my willingness to live green. Some things just aren't up for negotiation.

For example, I will eat hippie-raised vegetables and meat. Sure, they cost a little more. But they're not soaked in chemicals that end in "cide" and that shrink your naughty bits or sterilize you and cause your innards to glow lite brite orange.

I will use natural fertilizers on my lawn, so the rainwater runoff doesn't leak bad chemicals into the sewers and pollute the ocean, or even more personally pollute the groundwater around my koi pond. Why not? It's no extra work for me. And where I buy my lawn supplies the price is about the same as the heavy duty chemical stuff.

I will kill for an alternative fuel, so I don't have to keep paying $3-plus per gallon of fuel for my car. Fossil fuel? I'd burn actual fossils if I thought they would power my car. I'd burn lawn trimmings and those weird red fruit-like thingies that sprout from the palm trees in my back yard. I'd burn the stray cats who constantly sneak under or over my fence and skulk around my pond trying to swipe at my fish. I'm kidding. I wouldn't use the cats for fuel. That's mean. To help the earth I'd eat those cats. Waste not, want not.

Where I draw the line is a dirty arse.

And it seems Sheryl Crow and Laurie David, who recently went on a save-the-earth bus tour, would like us all to have dirty behinds in the name of saving the earth. A-week-and-a-half ago on their blog, Crow suggested that we limit ourselves to one square of toilet paper during BMs.

Something about saving trees. You should know that later Crow told ABC News she was just kidding. But I don't know if I believe her. JK is what I used to say when I hit on a hot girl and she rejected me. It was how I saved face. "I was just joking (kidding, playing, etc.)" is what celebrities and politicians say after they've tested the waters and learned that the public isn't willing to go along with a particularly lame-brained idea.

Do I really need to go into all the reasons just one square is not good? Just think of all the extra soap you'll (hopefully) use on your hands? Down the drain, and before you know it, some poor fish is blowing a Dove bubble.

It is now clear to me why White House advisor Karl Rove didn't want Crow to touch him recently at the annual White House Correspondents Dinner.

I'm sorry. We are the custodians of the earth. We should be nice to it. But if I have to slice up an entire forest to make sure the back door to my nether regions is pristine, those trees are going down.

Cleanliness is not next to godliness. George Carlin pointed out that it is next to claustrophobia and cleavage.

A clean behind, however, is next to whomever its owner wants it to be.