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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Monday, May 01, 2006

The Problem With the Pick-Up

Once again, let us start with my disclaimer and reminder that Burnettiquette is about more than good manners. It is about good sense.

That being said, my guy from back in the day called me to catch up on things. And he brought up his cousin, who is actively seeking a mate.

I'm not mad at Cousin. We all need somebody to leeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-ean on.

But seriously, my guy's cousin is in his early 30s and has never had a serious girlfriend. And it's not for lack of trying. For the longest time I couldn't understand why it just wasn't working for him. He's a decent looking guy. Women always smiled back when he showed his teeth.

And then I saw him in action. We were all out one night a few years ago - before I was married - and Cuz spotted a couple of women who made him all wobbly in the knees. After signaling me and my guy to take up the customary wingman positions on either side of him, Cuz led the way. Like good wingmen we chatted up the friends of Cuz' primary target, to keep them from intefering with his pitch. And he, well, focused.

Cuz' conversation started out well enough. But then it crashed and burned in a matter of seconds, when he asked the woman if "it hurt." It's like a knock knock joke. You have to ask for explanation. She did, and he answered something to the effect of "when you fell from Heaven."

So fast-forward to today. Apparently Cuz is still using pick-up lines. And call it coincidence, but he's still alone. I feel bad for the guy.

Once and for all fellas they don't work...unless you're using them on an equally desperate woman. And really, how often are women as desperate as us, guys? NEVER.

But you don't have to take my word for it. I asked an old platonic female friend and my wife why pick-up lines don't work, other than sheer corniness.

And they both agreed it is because they smack of incincerity, that they are always rehearsed, and that most women have a hard time believing a guy who uses a practiced line to get their attention.

So fellas, if you too are a Cuz, don't believe the hype. Telling a woman she has a nice body will not get her to "hold it against you." It will probably get you pepper sprayed.


  • So my "You with so many curves and me with no brakes" line wont work?


    By Blogger Val Prieto, at 3:57 PM  

  • Nice commentary on an issue that we all need to reevaluate.

    Also, nice use of a fantastic country song that likely is played often by men who use similar lines. Is that the Bellamy Brothers??

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 4:59 PM  

  • Sorry Val, that one definitely won't work. On the other hand, I've never heard it used. So anything's possible.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 11:50 AM  

  • I always thought my line of going up to a woman, striking up conversation, getting a couple of laughs and then saying "Let me ask you something...Do you think these pants make my di*k look too big?" while looking down and stretching the pants back and forth over my crotch. Not intended to pick up , but for another laugh.

    Another good one (again after some intial conversation peppered with light banter and chuckles) is to look a woman deep in the eye and say "You know what you need sweetheart?

    "What?" she says

    Then reply matter-of-factly "You need some di*k in your life...And it needs to be mine" with as straight a face as you can stomach.
    Either you get slapped or you get laid. If you get a laugh, then you're getting warm.

    By Anonymous Big Daddy, at 5:42 PM  

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