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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Tuesday, October 17, 2006

I'm startin' a dirt farm

I realize that we live in an urban area, full of condos and concrete. So if you're someone with "rural" tastes everything you need to decorate may not be readily available.

But I didn't realize until now how much money there was to be made in earthy "design" touches.

We're in a department store (no, not Tar-Zhay) picking up a few things for the house, and what do I see but a barrel of tree branches, knotted up in bundles of three, for $39 a pop.

We move to another store for more gear, and they have a bucket of pine cones for $2.99 apiece.

I have a deal for any of you folks who want your living space to look like Little House on the Prairie: Come to my house, and I'll give you four or five tree branches for just $29 a bundle, and I don't have any pine cones, but you can have tree toads and dead palm fronds for say $5 each.

If you want, you can yank up a few blades of grass and scoop some real live dirt from my back yard while you're at it. It'll only cost you $10 per blade and $1 per speck.

It is my good Burnettiquette that allows me to help you get in touch with nature for so little money.


  • Hey, if you'll be my east coast distributor I'll give you a cut of my bark and dead houseplant cuttings business.

    By Blogger QofD, at 11:36 AM  

  • I might be able to help you out with the pine cones there James.

    I'm sure we could work somethin' out.

    By Anonymous Freddie, at 12:15 PM  

  • Well, remember, you're in the land of the red mulch! People PAY for this atrocity here...never mind that such a thing simply does not exist in nature and looks awful everywhere. It stands to reason that we'd want to pay for sticks and twigs and things, too.

    Actually, never mind. Sticks and twigs and things can look pretty darn good, in the right arrangement (unlike red mulch).

    By Blogger Yvette, at 1:27 PM  

  • Deal, Freddie and gofd. I'll market and distribute the bark and dead plant cuttings and pine cones. Y'all keep 'em coming my way, and you keep 70% of the profit. I'm easy that way.

    And Yvette I've got some of that unnatural red mulch I'm willing to part with too. I've almost purged my yard of all of it, but I think there might be a few shovels full left.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 2:02 PM  

  • For the cost of wire cutters, a flashlight, and an airboat ride, I can get you some of the most beautiful orchids this side of Indonesia. I mean paying for pinecones, get real. There are a lot of people who live here who have not thought about the way they spend money in any realistic manner for so long that they are as out of touch as the elder George Bush when he was first introduced to scanned items at the grocery store. Out out touch.

    By Anonymous Big Daddy, at 3:14 PM  

  • Let's see - you've got the bark, dead housplant cuttings,and the mulch. All you need is some coconuts at, say,$2.50 each (those nice big ones that also double as cannon balls during a storm). I can ante those in, since the dogs can't keep up with the supply!

    By Anonymous dogncatmom, at 3:45 PM  

  • Brilliant! I've got some earthy stuff. Heck, I just took a whole trailer load of earthy stuff to the dump. Yeah...those werent rotten logs...those were table legs. That wasn't old mulch...that was Rustic Bedding. You're onto something here. I can feel it!

    By Anonymous tony, at 9:47 AM  

  • OK James, I live in eastern Kentucky so, how about some lumps of coal (great for christmas stockings), dead pine needles to go along with the pine cones. If we are really lucky, and note to all - this part is total sarcasm, the coal companies will win their battles, chop the top off of another beautiful mountain and we can get some topsoil from an old growth forest. That should sell for a pretty penny - after all it has taken hundreds of years to produce. We could corner the market on "antique dirt". This, along with some toxic water from a once pristine creek should drive those "nature crazy" decorators crazy. Maybe if we opened the store and called it Recycled Nature we cold become millionaires, buy the coal companies and stop the rape of this beautiful land. Sorry for the rant, it didn't start out that way.

    By Anonymous llh (laura), at 10:21 AM  

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