The Brown Sound (Do Not Read If You Are Squeamish)
I had the latter reaction to the South Park episode in which the boys attend a national recorder (those stupid little flutes we were all forced to play in elementary school) convention and decide to try to discover the "brown sound" or "brown note," the mythical low musical frequency that 'causes involuntary bowel movements.
In turn, I nearly had the same reaction when I was driving Sunday morning and listening to NPR and heard an author talking about having explored the "myth" of random people defecating in clothing store dressing rooms. Seriously.
After a minute I recognized the voice to be that of David Sedaris, one of my favorite writers.
Sedaris, who was discussing a book tour, said that he had looked into this extensively and found to his amazement that when he brought it up to audiences, 97% or so of regular folk had never heard of this phenomenon. But the other 3% - who happened to work in retail or had in the past - confirmed his story.
According to Sedaris, he heard story after story of retail workers of going into dressing rooms to clean up after customers who had been trying on clothes, only to find fresh piles of you know what! What was crazy is he heard this story from very serious retail workers from all over the country.
My immediate reaction to this story was one of horror. Next, I thought the obvious: "Crapping in your dressing room is very, very bad Burnettiquette." Then I laughed, 'cause it was so outrageous it couldn't be anything else but funny. Finally, I got angry.
How sick in the head do you have to be to crap in a department store - not in a department store bathroom, just in the store? Is it a frat initiation prank? Are retail workers finding this only in men's dressing rooms, or is this an equal opportunity psychosis? Is it mentally ill people, or just really, really crass people who feel like they don't have to wait for a real bathroom break? Maybe it's sick people whose churning stomachs couldn't wait to reach a can.
It really does beg the question WHY, like the retired Columbia U. professor who reportedly paid several thousand dollars in the 1970s for Napoleon Bonaparte's penis preserved in a jar.
Some skeptics believe that the prof. doesn't really have Napoleon's little guy. So that begs the question of whose little guy is it? And again, WHY is it in a jar on a shelf in some old guy's house?
But I digress.
Crapping in a dressing room is so low down, I might be willing to get locked up to get a chance to punish an offender. And that says a lot, because I'm too pretty to go to jail.
But seriously, if I was a retail worker and walked into a dressing room that you just came out of and I found that, I think I might have to beat you like a rented mule, or as my Grandma Rosa would say, like you stole something.
Tsk, tsk. Very, very bad Burnettiquette.