Burnett's Urban Etiquette: Stay out of the champagne room

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Stay out of the champagne room

I’ve been on the street a lot lately – not homeless, just hunting down news.

And when I ride I listen to the radio. It’s usually talk radio. But I broke my routine and messed up a few days ago by tuning into a FM pop/urban music station. And unfortunately a bad song is now stuck in my head.

“I see you windin’ and grindin’ up on that pole…I know you see me lookin’ at you; you already know, I wanna love you…”

In my defense, I didn’t really listen to the lyrics to “I Wanna Love You,” by crooner Akon until just a few days ago. Before that I was just mesmerized like a tourist watching a snake charmer by Akon’s whiny voice. For all I knew he could've been singing about sexy firefighters, what with the pole and all.

But I digress.

I realized after being stuck in traffic and actually paying attention to this song's lyrics that this guy is singing to a stripper about how he wants to love her and fall in love with her and wine and dine her, and even marry her, etc.

So I could only slap my forehead, with an accompanying Homer-esque "D'oh!" when I got a text message from a buddy telling me that he’d met a really cool girl…again…in a gentlemen’s club…again.

This is an intelligent man. He’s decent-looking, law-abiding, a small business owner, dresses reasonably well, and is not bad at conversation. But he still believes that because a “dancer” smiled at him and remembered his name and asked if he had a hard day at work and told him that she too loves Star Trek and thinks Kirk was a better captain of the Enterprise than Picard and gave him her phone number…to the screening/answering service she uses, she actually likes him. She does not!

Chris Rock said in his song tribute to the G.E.D class of 1999 that "No matter what a stripper tells you there is no sex in the Champagne Room," just champagne. There is an analogy. Rock's point was there is no love in the strip club, just illusions.

Unlike Rock, I don’t even think there should be champagne in the champagne room, ‘cause apparently when it flows freely guys like my buddy fall in love.

You have to understand (from what I’ve heard) that once you cross the threshold, once you darken the doorway to the gentleman's club, you are a marked man and will forever be viewed by the employees as a customer only.

And guys, you can’t blame ‘em. How can you expect any woman whom you tried to impress with a few dollar bills to take you seriously?

I’m sure “dancers” need love too. But let them get it from their therapists, or their moms whom they know as auntie, or their dads, or their boyfriends back at the trailer who are old enough to be their dads.

Yeah, this is funny. And my guy is nuts. Or maybe his wig is on too tight or something. He couldn't be getting punked harder if Ashton Kutcher had set this whole thing up.

Seriously, I have no idea how women track down the "right" kind of guy. But if you single dudes want a stable woman who won’t stab you with an ice pick or kick you in the front end of your shorts, or toss your dog out the window, go find her in church, or at the grocery, or the Humane Society, or the book store, or the free jazz concert in the neighborhood park. Or get your older sister to set you up with one of her friends. Or borrow your 1-year-old nephew and take him to the mall and dote on him. You will stink of willing fatherhood. And I've heard women love that.

That’s my word. Just remember, there is no sex in the champagne room. Nor is there potential for real love.

Labels: no sex in the champagne room, real love, strippers

40 Comments:

My brother in law worked in a strip club. He got lots of champagne and sex. Of course, he had to have cash or gram equivalent.

I feel sorry for the strippers. I imagine most of them as being damaged goods.

By none, at 2:34 AM
Hmmm. Let's see. Two college coeds need to raise cash for tuition and books. One works at a dog breeding kennel making $6.50 an hour, the other's a successful stripper making $1500 a week. Both have a job "raising dogs," so to speak.

SoFlo may have its share of dancers who have made poor choices in their lives, but to blanket them all under the same stereotype seems uncharacteristic of you, James.

By Anonymous, at 7:08 AM
Amen, James! Your post made me think of the guy who introduced me and Ben - a very wealthy mutual friend who started going to strip joints, where he would drop his gold card, open a tab, and reward the girls with tons o' cash. Soon he was calling them his friends, and acting like THE SHIT because everyone was always so happy to see him (or his wallet, take your pick)... it was so sad.

On the bright side, Ben had a kick-ass bachelor party.

By Tere, at 8:28 AM
"and told him that she too loves Star Trek and thinks Kirk was a better captain of the Enterprise than Picard and gave him her phone number…to the screening/answering service she uses"

Obviously your friend is using perfectly sound reasoning here and I don't see any need for concern! As a matter of fact the guys sounds like he's bordering on being brilliant.

By captain corky, at 8:51 AM
James, I lost $200 on one stripper alone recently in Vegas. My buddy had the same conversation with me after she gave me her "number."

He just smiled at me and said, "I love you, Matt."

And I hear you about the music. I listen to urban stations on the drive to work (for some reason, everyone else wants to "chat" in the morning) and I've got a song stuck in my head. Something about how "she's working those jeans...."

By M@, at 9:12 AM
We have a lot in common, James. Often when I am driving or sitting in traffic (or sitting at home or lying in bed) I think if strippers too.

But I can't believe you are attacking this poor, sweet girls. I've met my share of dancers and so many of them are just working their way through college and trying to get into law school.

I worked my way through college too. Only I worked 50 hours a week at a manufacturing company on the night shift. So I have sympathy for these girls who are just trying to get through school the best way they can.

Man, I crack myself up.

Okay, so I admit there have been a couple of dancers that I THOUGHT I could fall in love with. But didn't. Maybe I'll post about them.

By Jay, at 10:13 AM
D'OH!!!I'm in the wrong line of work to find myself a sugar daddy!!! hehe...

I recently started playing my iPod in the car...it's great!! with over 4000songs on it, I get such a variety. It was nearly a shock though when, after some groovy dance bit, Let It Snow came on!!

By Claudia , at 10:21 AM
The virginal stripper working her way through brain surgery school only happens on Greys Anatomy. Please. That's why it's ON Grey's Anatomy.

Besides, she said Kirk was better than Picard! Obviously, she doesn't have a clue what she's talking about.

By SWF42, at 11:05 AM
swf41: teeny, tiny minor point - no one on GA was a stripper; the Izzy character was a lingerie model.

James: your friend is clearly delusional, or has self-esteem issues, or does not have a friggin' clue about real life. I'm sure the stripper likes him -- for a couple hundred bucks I'm sure she likes a lot of men. Strippers are like car salesmen. They know exactly what to say to make the sale. Yeah, she likes Star Trek. And for the next guy she talks to I'm sure she's a huge fan of "Lost." Tell your friend to get a clue... and a new place to hang out and meet women.

By Balou, at 11:22 AM
I used to work with a girl who used to be a stripper and I had always thought it was demeaning for the women, but she told me it's actually more demeaning for the men because they take all the guys money over and over again. They are exactly that - a salesman.

By Erica Ann Putis, at 1:31 PM
I have a co-worker who is dating a stripper! You wouldn't believe the kind of money this guy drops on her.

By Anonymous, at 2:23 PM
This comment has been removed by the author.

By Lee, at 2:41 PM
Have you heard the real lyrics to that song? Much more realistic than the pop station version.

One of my regular reads is Glamourpuss at The Pole Affair who seems to strip for a hobby. I think she's wonderfully articulate and interesting.

I don't know what makes girls strip, but the desire to kick men in the balls, toss dogs, or stab them with an ice-pick seems like a bizarre common thread. Why would women who hate men wanna rub up against them for a living?

I hear what you're saying about the fruitlessness of men trying to find a partner in a strip club, but if I had to guess, I wouldn't say it's because the strippers are unstable, but because they probably despise the gross, hairy, pot-bellied men who pay them to shake their ta-tas in their face.

By Lee, at 2:45 PM
This story reminds me of a saying I heard on HBO one night regarding strip clubs--"You will get f*cked, but you won't get laid".

Your homeboy is another in a long line of delusional men who believe a stripper/dancer/ho/skeezer/tramp/freek/chicken/prostie/money pit actually loves them or even wants them. That is not to say there are not guys who can pick up strippahoes at the club. I have at least five friends who have gotten laid out of a strip club but each had their own fact specific story. It never happens like in a porno movie (i.e. you and the stripper make googly-eye contact and she takes you back to the VIP room where you and she engage in unfettered sexual gymnastics without the exchange of cash or promises). It never involves spending extra money either. They guys who throw away their money at naked chickens will never get any tang from a stripper--she's got no incentive to bone you once she's already got your money. The guys who are successful are the ones who go to a stip club and spend very frugally--one drink per hour, minimal tips, maybe one table dance per night--the key is never to spend more than $50-100 and use your time to talk. Make the girls laugh--humorless guys never get any either. Don't treat the girls like a piece of meat or your bitch--she's a fine woman who just happens to be working the only job that allows her to afford her own place. If she got as many dollars waiting tables, you'd never see her nude. But you did, so be thankful you have and act graciously without being a herb.

And it helps if you're a real cute guy--strippahoes are just like every other young college-aged girls who will give a shot to a cute dude who doesn't say anything stupid. I got one buddy who looks like a monchichi and the girls can't leave him alone.

Except one thing most guys who want to pick up girls in the strip club don't seem to keep in mind is that a lot of women who dance naked or nearly turn tricks have many, many other unresolved emotional issues. So while you think you've got a vision of beauty that turns heads, you will wake up one morning at three AM with your hot stripper girlfriend butt naked on your doorstep banging on the door in wild-eyed missed-my-medication-for-the-last-two-weeks frenzy and you will be forced to explain to your visiting relatives how you came to know her why she can't be let in. And when your 65 year-old aunt chstizes you, lets her in so she can call a cab and put on one of your shirts, and she cusses your aunt and uncle out for taking so f*cking long, you'll know why you need to stop thinking with the little head.

By Anonymous, at 2:46 PM
Hammer, I agree with the "damaged" analysis. Howard Stern, when he used to have strippers on his broadcast radio/tv show (the one that aired on E!), would ask them all if their dads were absent when they were kids or if their dads were abusive. And almost every one of them answered yes.

C'mon Sarc, no need to shout "Strippers of the world unite!" I'm not bashing anybody. I'm just stating fact: most of these women are not into the guys who give them dollar bills. Would you feel better if I'd added "many" or "some" to my descriptions?

Tere, he sounds like my buddy. And Ben's party must've been good. My batchelor party involved microwave popcorn and Scrabble. I'm kidding. Or am I?

Captain, he's a real rocket scientist.

Matt, listen to your buddy. And as for radio, I'm going back to AM. No chance of dumb songs getting stuck in my head.

Jay, no worries. I think every guy in college had one or two strippers he thought he could fall in love with. Fortunately most of us figured out they were just doing their jobs.

Claudia, you're in the right line of work. When you're long gone your art will live on. And that is a weird coincidence that Let it Snow popped up in a pop song mix.

SWF41, thank you! Only on TV. I'm not saying that there are no college student strippers out there. But a majority? Hardly. I'd like to see a gaggle of 'em just say "You know what, we're not in college. We're doing this strictly for the fast cash." Finding a dancer to admit that is probably like trying to find an inmate who actually did it.

Balou, I like the sales person analogy. I'm not mad at 'em. Clearly, a lot of 'em are good at pitching their jobs.

Erica, you and Balou are on the same page.

Winter, I know guys who've dropped car payments worth of cash in a single night.

By James Burnett, at 2:47 PM
Lee, good points. I'm a guy. So I admit my view on this is skewed. Could be that the guys visiting the clubs are the unstable ones. Or maybe it's a little of both.

BD, as always, eloquently stated.

By James Burnett, at 2:49 PM
I don't even want to know what it says about me for dancing to the unrated version of that song in a club last weekend (clothed). But NOT for money - my fool ass opened the tab.

I have a good friend who is a former stripper - and she did it to make a ton of money, very quickly. But it would be quite a rarity for a stripper to see her clientele as anything else. However, it isn't impossible.

Now I have images of Natalie Portman's stripper scene from "Closer" running thru my head, along with that song - CRAP!

By Tiggerlane, at 3:26 PM
For anyone to expect something from a stripper is just plain naive.

I've been to a few strip clubs in the past, mainly at the suggestion of guy friends, who wanted to go and I was "stuck" with them (they paid for my drinks though). The ones I went to were very sad places. The look on the men's faces were incredibly sorrowful.

On the flip side, the two times I went to LaBare for bachelorette reasons, it was a completely different scene. I think the difference is that the women know it's pure entertainment and don't expect anything else from the men. The atmosphere was fun and joyful. Because that's all it is -- paid entertainment. Your friend needs to realize that.

You know, some women are getting into pole dancing now, but doing it as exercise and also for their partners at home, but not to work professionally as strippers. I'm going to be covering that in a story a couple of months down the road. Should be interesting!

By Maria de los Angeles, at 3:43 PM
This is for Tig and other women who have friends that either currently dance naked or used to dance naked--Do you ever feel like your friend's former employment as a sex worker diminishes her ability to form lasting relationships or garner respect from people who are aware of her former life?

I ask this because I have a theory that that women are more forgiving of strippers than men are for for two reasons: 1) Every woman has given at least one thought to the idea of being a sex worker (since marriage as practiced in the US is still a form of sexual slavery), and; 2) Men are jealous of the apparent ease with which women can acheive financial stability and independence through employment as a sex worker.

Therefore, I believe women are slightly more sympathetic to another woman who decides stop being a sex worker and men, jealous because they can't just decide one day to sell c*ck and get paid, must "keep a 'ho' in her place" by using a woman's former occupation against her.

So ladies, are you forgiving of strippahoes who flip the script?

(Note: I posed this question to women -- not mothers. All bets for a straight answer are off once women bear children and get self-righteous about themselves, the kid, and these nebulous "safety of the children" worries that besiege parents up until the day their bundle of joy starts telling Mom & Dad to go f*ck themselves.)

By Anonymous, at 4:06 PM
"...women -- not mothers..."

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha

(sorry....back to the question....)

(still chuckling) :-D

By SWF42, at 4:53 PM
gawd..i love reading blogs! thanks ya'll!

^5 swf41...i cracked up at that line, too "...women -- ..."

*still lol*

By savannah, at 7:06 PM
big daddy --- I think it goes back to the old double-standard. If a guy sleeps with 100 women, he's a stud. If a girl does the same, she's a 'ho.

Only a select few know of my friend's former occupation. But then, I live in the Bible Belt - so that's probably safer.

I think it is empowering for a woman to be able to showcase these types of talents - however, I think some men assume that if a girl is/was a stripper, then she's automatically "loose." Any woman who has to answer the questions about "why" she chose such a job in the past should ask the man, "Well, if you could make that kind of money - wouldn't YOU do it?"

By Tiggerlane, at 8:04 PM
I'm fascinated the hear more about these "mothers who get self-righteous about about themselves" who don't give straight answers.

By Lee, at 9:33 PM
james, that song reminds me of an older song by T-Pain, "I'm in Love with a Stripper." Basically the same concept. I feel like there was a more recent one, too, but I can't remember what the name is. This will haunt me all night.

Also, I hate cliches but I guess I know it's true: sex workers and stippers, on the whole, have a greater chance of having had rough childhoods and absent or abusive fathers. My dad told how beautiful I was when I was little, and how much he loved me. Now that I'm grown up, he shows his love more in noticing when my car needs a tune-up and eating popcorn with me when I go home to visit. But I do know that because he loves me, I 1) don't need to find male attention elsewhere [obviously I like dating and love my boyfriend. but I'm also happy without a guy] but more importantly, 2)I love my dad and my brothers. I couldn't see manipulating men like that, because they are also someone's brother, son, or father.

big daddy, your comment "marriage as practiced in the US is still a form of sexual slavery" intrigues me. What makes you say that? I mean, sure... when I get married my husband will have me in his bed every night. But he'll also be in mine. That's not us enslaving each other, that's us creating a stable life that we can depend on. If I didn't value stability or commitment, maybe I'd be a stripper. As far as your question - I'm not exactly "forgiving" of strippers, mainly because I don't think they need my forgiveness. Is it a profession I would ever want for me or anyone I love? No. I don't agree with it. But I wouldn't exactly condemn someone for it, either, and there are no strippers knocking on my door begging for my forgiveness.

By hyacinths and biscuits, at 10:59 PM
I think that the men in these clubs and the strippers are likely damaged goods. But I think I tend to be more sympathetic to the women because they're working. Fake intimacy is a big part of this, I think, and I'm guessing that for women who may have had bad experiences with men in their lives, the power they have as a stripper makes them feel less...powerless. Of course, it's a temporary fix.

The men may be there for a fantasy experience - any mature guy can't really think he's going to find true love at a strip club, so it's another version of fake intimacy. If you have to pay someone for attention, they're waaaaay more likely to be nice to you (see bartenders, servers at restaurants, etc). If you have to take off your clothes and accept money in your underwears, then is it really YOU that the guy likes? Probably not.

I think a strip club is where you find people who are afraid to get emotionally close to others, or who don't know how to get close. They crave it but fear it, so there has to be some power in it (money and sex). But true equality isn't based on power over someone else, right?

By T, at 11:16 PM
Probably one of the reasons that the girls from strip joints don't "give" and get "involved" with their customers , is because they've got their hearts set on a better quality of guy. NOt the kind of guy that frequents strip clubs.

By Pamela, at 11:23 PM
Tiggerlane! You danced to the unedited version? That even makes me blush ;-)

And don't complain. Natalie Portman's not so bad. You could be imagining Roseanne or Rosie dancing to that song.

BD, BD, BD. I don't know what to say, but I'm not a mother or woman so I can't answer your question.

SWF41, I'm leaving BD's question alone. If you women/mothers decide to beat him with a rusty pipe I didn't see/hear anything.

Savannah, good to see you back. See my response to SWF41.

Tiggerlane, interesting response to BD's query. I'm fully convinced in this day and age that we only deeply object to high paying jobs that we're either unwilling or unable to do. The exception, of course, is work that involves criminal activity for pay. On this theory, I'm certain that 50% of guys out there would dance in a bananna hammock if they thought they could get paid for it.

Uh oh, Lee, if you and Big Daddy have to take this outside to settle it I'll referee.

H&B, LOL "no strippers knocking on my door begging for forgiveness." He he he!

BC, I think true equality is not possible. I think it would require the complete absence of power.

By James Burnett, at 11:29 PM
Okay - I didn't mean it quite so literally, yo! What I meant is that if you have to have that much power over another person, it's not particularly healthy. And they like something that you have (nice body, money), and not you, most likely.

I think that you're right, though, that equality would require relinquishing power. But I think you can certainly operate in a place where the power differential isn't as stark as it is in the situation with this guy you know. This stripper's got him by the nards.

By T, at 11:33 PM
Pamela, excellent point!

When I was in college my guys and I used to occasionally visit such a place so we could contribute to society by paying down young ladies' electric and cable and water bills and rent, one dollar at a time. And I am humble enough to admit (as did Jay, earlier) that once or twice I became enthralled with a couple of dancers. I think the attraction was (a) they were reallllly good-looking, (b) they were our age, and (c) we were dorks and they were easy to talk to. Anyway, I recall hitting on one of them, and I remember her explaining to me and my guys that we were nice. And had we met in a different setting, maybe she might have given one of us the time of day. But no matter how "clean cut" we were outside the club, we had forever tainted ourselves by giving her money. I kid you not, that revelation sobered us up. And it was from that point on we recognized it is only a job.

By James Burnett, at 11:36 PM
Ha ha! OK BC, I get your point. We can achieve a balance of equality with a balance of power. The stripper does indeed have my buddy by the short ones.

By James Burnett, at 11:37 PM
I aint no stripper but when I drink chapaingne I dance like shakira....and you know what pisses me off I cant get a decent nice guy....I am like a looser magnet, one day when I am big I guess it will be fine...until then....shakira, shakira...and you know what is super weird about me singing and dancing to this song...*wisper*, I am punk/goth....doh

By Drizel, at 6:17 AM
I feel the need to say that although I'm still chuckling over the 'women, not mothers' thing, I have the utmost respect for Big Daddy's opinions. He always says what he thinks in very basic terms, and personally, I like that.

I still think the 'women, not mothers' is funny as hell, though.

:-)

By SWF42, at 9:26 AM
Come on now, strippers need love too. LOL.

BD - So while you think you've got a vision of beauty that turns heads, you will wake up one morning at three AM with your hot stripper girlfriend butt naked on your doorstep banging on the door in wild-eyed missed-my-medication-for-the-last-two-weeks frenzy and you will be forced to explain to your visiting relatives how you came to know her why she can't be let in. And when your 65 year-old aunt chstizes you, lets her in so she can call a cab and put on one of your shirts, and she cusses your aunt and uncle out for taking so f*cking long, you'll know why you need to stop thinking with the little head.

Personal experience?

By Dayngr, at 11:31 AM
hey. invite your friend over... watch dancing at the blue iguana with darryl hannah and he'll never look at strippers the same.

also ... how old is this guy? if he's dorky... head out to the new york comicon which is goin on right now and tell him there are thousands of scantily clad hot chicks wandering around talkin star trek he can hit on. these are honest to god girls with ugly duckling syndrom.

By Knitty Yas, at 4:35 PM
I believe Chris Rock also said, regarding his daughter and his role as a father, "my only job is keeping her off the pole."

As a dad of girls....this too is my sole goal.

As for the sparking wine room. I tried to implement my own rain program back in the day, but the ladies weren't very impress with the seven singles that floated down on stage...so I agree, neither sex nor love is for sale at the club.

By Mitch McDad, at 12:20 AM
Wow James... hook the poor brother up!

By Dayngr, at 5:39 AM
It's a lonely world out there, isn't it?

By wordsonwater, at 10:56 AM
so my ex-boyfriend decided he didn't want to work things out with me because he's fallen in love with a stripper - says she's a college senior (he's 34) - she gave him her number, and they've been dating for 4 months! of course, 2 of those he was gone with the military, and now he is deployed to Afghanistan, but still - they are supposedly "in love" - she even gave him framed pictures of them and turned a pic of them into a dogtag to wear around his neck. so I don't know - maybe you can fall in love with a stripper! and he met her when she gave him an all nude lap dance...

By Anonymous, at 4:19 AM
I don't think it is right to judge the strippers and they are all the same. Nobody are perfect even you have a decent job called professional. Men like to go strip club for entertainment & beside to look at all beautiful girls wearing sexy lingeries that they rarely see from their wifes & girlfriends wearing at home. Women goes to male strip club to see men with 6 packed body & tan with huge package. We have porn star, we have playboy mates, working girls, nude models, we have adult escort services...ect...and guys, have you ever have hand job massages from this service in the hotel?..boy! then you shouldn't blame stripper at all because their job is quite difference with what you think..more body visual than a real action compare with other entertainment fields..they have their choices to choose the club with stricly rules & make decent money with clean business men or go with the club down the block & get nasty customers with no respects. Some guys try to hook up with strippers because they wants to satify their fantasy and spend money on her because they want to feel like a big man to her and that make him feel good in some way. Love strippers or hate them they do not really care, they bring both men and women entertaiment & deserve the money they make with 8 hours work or more and being called a stripper. I will refer my man going to strip club than wondering around looking for escort services & do not know what the hell is going on at some hidden places. A moment being thrill in love is happened anywhere between marriage or attached men with a single beautiful women, it could be in the strip club, on the airplane, on the business trips or with the waitress or bartenders at the restaurants. If the man have the guilt to his woman, kids then they dont go further, but if they are a real player themself then dont blame others's job for their sexual desires, because the strippers are not only sexy women in this plannet, sexy women are everywhere & men love to have the thrill of the chase & winning if they ever get a chance so don't blame strippers & tell them what carreer they should choose for their life, while you are not be able to tell your husband to seat at home & not going anywhere for your safe sake. After all sorry for my writing, i am a 5 years english learner, just try to give this a shot.

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By Unknown, at 3:46 AM

Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Thursday, March 01, 2007

Stay out of the champagne room

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