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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Sunday, July 01, 2007

Burnett 4.0

First, I promise that this will be the last post for... at least a week in which I am celebrating some personal milestone.

Second, Burnett 4.0 isn't some new software I've created. It's better.

Remember a couple of weeks ago when I wrote that Mrs. B and me (pictured below not all that long ago in Aruba) had hit the two year matrimony mark?

Well, I learned at that time that Burnett 4.0 (pictured below in a tiny, tiny still from an ultrasound done on Friday) was on the way. How cool an anniversary present was that? The doc says in that pic that Burnett 4.0 is "about the size of a diamond ring." That's a direct quote. I don't think that analogy would have occured to me. But then again, I'm no doctor.

So for the past couple of weeks I've been biting my tongue, 'cause Mrs. B (and both our mothers, the doc, his nurses, etc.) said the first trimester can be a hairy one till it reaches a certain point. He seemed to think by Friday it had reached that point. Do you know how hard it has been to sit on this one? I'm generally pretty good at keeping secrets upon request, but this one nearly killed me to keep. I did tell my editor, 'cause if ever on some random day I jumped up, grabbed my backpack, and bolted from the newsroom like OJ through the airport in a Hertz commercial I wanted my ed to know in advance that I wasn't crazy and was only running 'cause Mrs. B was having some sort of complication.

Burnett 4.0 is due in early '08. We're not sure on a name yet, though I've suggested James IV, whether its a boy or girl. For some strange reason that suggestion got a lukewarm reception, at best. Perhaps if I'd suggested it just for a boy's name. I won't give away the possible girl-only names, partly because I don't want to jinx anything and partly because I wasn't paying attention to those suggestions. I was too busy shouting some variation of woo-hoo! and celebrating with an eight-inch Padrón 1964 Anniversary Series smoke and a can of James-brand champagne (pictured below). I'm like Will Smith, btw, when it comes to good smokes. He said in "Welcome to Miami" that he never lights his cigars. He only sports 'em for show. If it's one of my good ones, as is this Padrón, I only chew the tip a bit. Then it goes back into the humidor. Unlike Will, one of these days I'll light mine.

I have to tell you that one of my early reactions to this news was relief. I could leave it at that and you would assume that I was relieved that Mrs. B and me are able to procreate. And you'd be partly right. Every couple, if kids are in their plans or dreams, hopes to have that option, right?

But the all-man half off my brain was relieved specifically because my soldiers apparently do march. There is something in how a guy is wired that makes him think he might not be "whole" until it is demonstrated that he is lethally armed. Why do we call them soldiers, anyway? Why not my "postal workers?" I mean, they did deliver. I've heard 'em referred to as "my swimmers," but I don't like swimming so much. So that one was out. I've heard 'em called "my boys," but in my vernacular "my boys" is a simple slang for my buddies. And I would just as soon run into traffic screaming and poking my eyes out - that includes my mind's eye - than picture my buddies as my boys.

And by the way, you hippies out there, "we" are not pregnant. Mrs. B is pregnant. I helped. And we'll do the nine months (total, of course) together, like Bonnie & Clyde, standing on our heads. I'll be there every step, etc., etc. But "we" are not pregnant. I hate it when I meet a guy and he's like "we're pregnant." Are you kidding me? "We?" I'll bet you're one of those guys who ties a pillow to your belly so you can further share the experience. How's this - I'm a distant member of the royal family, and "we" are not amused. Be real, guys. this is a first for me, so I'm no expert yet. But the pillow ain't cutting it. I plan to be supportive and helpful, but I won't know what it feels like. And for that I'm grateful. Even I'm smart enough to know that in the end the only thing I'll be squeezing out is sweat.

Till tomorrow, my friends.

PS. I tried to get Mrs. B to do that guest post, but she doesn't wanna. She says she'll stick to reading your comments. So leave lots of them. We don't want her bored.

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  • Gotta give up those cigars now, Big Guy.

    Congratz. Peace and Pampers.

    By Blogger The Sarcasticynic, at 7:30 PM  

  • Thanks Sarc, but there's no way I'm giving up my cigars. I only have one every couple of months anyway. The rest of the time I stare longingly at the humidor. And when I do have one it's never in the house or in the car. Either I'm outside in the yard, or at a watering hole where where cigars are allowed.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 7:48 PM  

  • My congratulations and best wishes; I hope your wife has an easy time of what can be a difficult physical trial.

    By Blogger BobG, at 7:50 PM  

  • Congratulations! Btw, it's 10 months if she is on time. Enjoy every moment of it!

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:10 PM  

  • Okay...

    A) Gorgeous pic of the two of you (Mrs. B is a hottie! Lucky you!)

    B) OMG!!!! CONGRATULATIONS!!!! That is such wonderful news. And what a lucky baby to have such cool parents.

    Best wishes to the whole family!
    Hi, Baby (waving at B4.0)!

    By Blogger Balou, at 8:56 PM  

  • Congratulations James & Mrs. B! That is wonderful news!

    By Blogger fiwa, at 8:57 PM  

  • Congrats to the both of you. You are in my continued prayers. And Mrs B? don't be shy. We want to hear from you too. We know that there's james version of the facts, and sometimes, another, more interesting version.

    By Anonymous og, at 11:26 PM  

  • Congrats!!

    By Blogger Jay, at 11:44 PM  

  • Congrats to you both.
    I hope Mrs. B and 4.0 handle the ride fine.

    Mrs. B, we'd love to hear your side, too.

    By Blogger KurtP, at 11:50 PM  

  • Mrs. B
    when the hormones flow and you can't cope with the world
    tell Mr B "yes,WE are pregnant" and make him take you out for pickles and ice cream.

    By Blogger Pamela, at 1:10 AM  

  • Congratulations! I was trying to explain to my Italian OH the whole "we're pregnant" thing and he wasn't getting it either--and so if we are so lucky some day, I will definitely be the only one preggers around here.

    I loved reading this because I hardly ever see (in print especially) a guy's over-the-moon excitement about a new arrival. Come on Mrs B, you know you want to spill some embarrassing stories of Burnett 3.0 for posterity!

    By Blogger sognatrice, at 6:36 AM  

  • Congratulations to you both! Baby her like crazy, James. =)

    By Blogger Christina_the_wench, at 8:43 AM  

  • Awwww....a new baby!!! How exciting!!!!

    And I'm totally in your corner on James IV, boy OR girl. It's 2007 (2008 when s/he makes an appearance). To hell with sex-specific names. :-)

    (P.S. Start buying diapers now. You can never have too many diapers!)

    By Blogger SWF41, at 9:02 AM  

  • Congrats!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! James, try to be "in the moment" for the whole experience. It goes by so fast (unless you're the one with a human standing up in your belly). I'm glad someone else hates the "we're pregnant" thing! Ya just want to scream at men who say that, "You have no idea buddy!" The first man to pass a baby thru his "twig" (your term, remember twig and berries? lol)can say he was pregnant. : )

    By Blogger Angie, at 10:23 AM  

  • I just love reading blogs and finding really great news announcements there - like on yours today! Fantastic! Congrats to you and Mrs. B, for sure. Although it's true enough that sometimes, pregnancy can be a really rough ride but usually, the yucky aspect (morning sickness, etc.) passes fairly quickly. Enjoy the months ahead for the positive aspect of what it will ultimately bring to both of you. The only thing better than becoming a parent is becoming a grandparent. Trust me when I tell you that and remember it in years to come when that honor comes your way.

    By Blogger Jeni, at 11:13 AM  

  • Congratulations. It's weird that just by reading your blog all of us know that you will be a fantastic father. You just have a fantastic attitude that shines through in your writing.

    All the best.

    By Blogger Wavemancali, at 11:58 AM  

  • Congrats! Taking time off from blogging is always good, especially when you have such important things in your life currently.

    By Blogger Evil Spock, at 12:14 PM  

  • She's very pretty. Congratulations.

    And I appreciate that you're not telling everyone that you're "pregnant," James. Way to hold it down!

    By Blogger Matt, at 12:43 PM  

  • Congratulations! 2008 will be the year of HUGE changes at your house! (giggling because you have NO idea what you are REALLY in for. And I mean that in the most kindest way possible)

    By Anonymous Karmyn R, at 1:23 PM  

  • Good news! Kids are great. They get to pick your nursing home ;)


    By Blogger Hammer, at 1:28 PM  

  • Congratulations!


    You are SO going to be a fabulous father. Big, big hugs to you and Mrs. B. May she have the easiest, healthiest pregnancy, ever.

    By Blogger Yvette, at 1:51 PM  

  • AWESOME news!! So happy for you guys! Hoping for a healthy, enjoyable pregnancy for Mrs. B!

    By Blogger Tere, at 2:04 PM  

  • Congratulations to both of you! What great news!

    By Blogger latinbombshell, at 2:35 PM  

  • Congratulations to you and the lovely Mrs! Remember, when Mrs. B wants you to fill a craving at some bizarre hour of the day or night - don't ask "Are you serious?" Just go to it. *wink

    Wishing you nothing but the best!

    By Blogger Dayngr, at 6:03 PM  

  • Congratulations to the both of you. I love hearing when a lady is going to have a baby. It so amazes me, I guess that is why I have four of my own sproutlings, LOL.
    Now, James, you make sure you look after her you hear? She holds such precious precious cargo :)

    By Blogger Cazzie!!!, at 6:56 PM  


    Your life is about to change forever. Or at least, it should. And knowing you (as well as you can know any blogger), it will. In some wonderful and scary ways.

    I am so happy for you - it is an adventure that I've been living for 14 years, and there's nothing like it.

    I'll have a cigar myself for you guys.

    CONGRATS, MRS. B - and HONEY, you are GORGEOUS!

    By Blogger Tiggerlane, at 10:36 PM  

  • Congratulations to both of you. You're a handsome couple.

    By Blogger Lex, at 10:49 PM  

  • Congratulations Mr & Mrs B.

    Now make the most of having the place to just the two of you, plus cat, cos boy are things going to change as of early '08.

    BTW - when Mrs B is complaining about feeling the size of a whale & really feeling the Florida heat, just remind her that at least B4.0 is (fairly) easily portable, & quiet. Cos s/he'll be neither once s/he's out! But B4.0 will most definitely be worth it, all 20+ years of it!

    By Anonymous bronchitikat, at 7:58 AM  

  • FANTASTIC!!! cogratulations to you both *hugs* no wonder ya'll didn't make it up here for a weekend of drinking and carousing! ;) my best to you both!!!

    By Blogger savannah, at 8:39 AM  

  • Congrats!

    By Anonymous Big Daddy, at 10:11 AM  

  • I'm so very, very happy for you both. Congratulations!!!

    And you and Mrs. B are just so darned cute in that pic! You seem to have that "glow" already.

    (Reading this SO made my day.)

    By Anonymous Freddie, at 12:54 PM  

  • Congrats!

    When will 4.0 start blogging?

    By Blogger minijonb, at 1:05 PM  

  • Congratulations to you both!

    By Blogger thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy, at 1:54 PM  

  • Dude! Way to go!

    By Blogger Kevin, at 2:10 PM  

  • Congrats!!! That super-duper fly!!

    By Blogger Erica AP, at 4:59 PM  

  • How exciting! Congratulations!

    By Blogger C, at 6:14 PM  

  • Fantastic News James!

    By Blogger captain corky, at 8:14 AM  

  • James and Mrs. B! Bazillions of congratulations! That is fabulous! Awesome!

    By Anonymous Kim, at 1:29 PM  

  • Welcome to the amazing and terrifying world of parenting. What a lucky baby to have such great people eagerly anticipating his/her arrival.

    By Blogger wordsonwater, at 12:16 AM  

  • You're both in for some remarkable changes. Start reading now. You can't know too much, you'll never know enough.

    I'm so happy for you both.


    By Blogger The CEO, at 12:34 AM  

  • WOW! Congrats to you both!!!


    By Anonymous SCG, at 6:06 AM  

  • Congratulations!!

    By Blogger Claudia, at 7:58 AM  

  • Congratulations, I pray you the best in all things!!

    By Anonymous DJ Black Adam, at 5:06 PM  

  • OH MY GOSH!!!!! I'M SO EXCITED FOR YOU BOTH! PLEASE TELL MRS. B TO CALL ME I MUST HEAR ALL THE DETAILS. Awwww I have such a big smile on my face. This is such great news!!!
    Sending you both a big hug from Jean and Hernan in Portland. We miss our Miami amigos!

    By Anonymous Jean, at 1:41 AM  

  • congrats on everything.

    By Blogger spchrist, at 1:50 PM  

  • CONGRATULATIONS!!! To both of you. It's good to read about your anniversary gift I'm know you two will make excellent parents.

    Now strap yourself in for pregnancy. Despite some minor discomforts it is a wonderful experience and well worth it.

    I could go on and on about how fabulous it is to be (and become) a parent but I won't because you're going to learn soon enough already.

    P.S. - I hate it when guys say "we're pregnant". Please. Last time I checked we women are the ones with our heads in the toilet while our feet are swelling.

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 6:01 PM  






    By Blogger What A Crock, at 4:39 PM  

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