Quick Hits: Law & Order Edition

• Thanks a lot, Sen. Larry Craig (R - Idaho) - Because of him I have altered my stance. Seriously, my new public restroom stance is still in the top secret development stages. But I can tell you the finished product will be narrow. A narrow mind is sure to follow. I'm also wearing skinny shoes so as not to risk accidentally bumping feet (or in Craig's case, accidentally knocking boots) with anyone else in the public restroom. And anything I drop on the floor of the can is staying there from now on. Scratch that. Anything I've ever dropped on the floor of a public can has stayed there. I am a borderline germophobe, when it comes to public restrooms. No business card I've ever had has been worth picking up from the floor of a public can, considering the germ potential. One time I picked something up that I'd dropped on a public restroom floor - a $20 bill. And, crazy as it sounds, I immediately took it to the sink and washed it w/hot water and that slimy pink bathroom soap. Then I used one of those hand driers on it. I'm nuts, I know. But my money was clean after that. Anyway, even if I drop money again, I won't be picking it up. I don't even want to know what a twenty on the floor means on the underground senatorial bathroom hookup circuit.
• Being stupid can be as much of a "habit" as eating and sleeping - Once again, I say it's a good thing that 17-year-old Nick "Hogan" Bollea, son of pro wrestler Hulk Hogan is OK, following his horrific car wreck from a week or so ago. Can't say the same yet, for his passenger, an Iraq War vet who remains hospitalized over the wreck. But this wire story confirms what I posted to my blog early last week: The kid has a speeding problem and has been stopped repeatedly driving like someone was chasing him. Take away his car keys, please!
• iPhones - This isn't about crime in the traditional sense. But if you bought an iPhone prior to this week, if you were one of those people who camped out on the sidewalk for several days in advance of the phones' June release, if you were one of those people who looked to the iPhone to be the new be all and end all, I have one thing to say to you: You got robbed! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sorry. That was mean. But I had to get it out of my system.
• The crime of blowing smoke - Let me say first that Miami has plenty of nice, clean, scenic places to spend time. OK, it has several. But for the time being Downtown Miami isn't one of those places. So the folks who are tasked with making Downtown Miami appear to be a desirable place have come to the conclusion that what ails the neighborhood is vowels. Not just any vowels, but "Os," specifically the Os in d"o"wnt"o"wn. So now the new Downtown Miami logo will likely read in part, "Dwntwn Miami." Well, that did it for me. Before, I didn't want to hang out in Downtown Miami, because my rickety knees - and lately, rickety ankles - made me not want to hurdle the homeless laying across the steam grates in the sidewalk. I also didn't want to do it, because of the lack of reasonably-priced parking, the poop-smell that sometimes permeates the street outside the one "upscale" department store that graces downtown, the gauntlet of real, professional, needle-tracked hos (not as some chat hosts believe, college basketball players) you have to pass through on some downtown sidewalks. Oh, and let's not forget the crack heads who I have seen with my own two relatively good eyes cleaning their pipes on the Metro Mover trolley that circles downtown. Phew. I am relieved, because I am certain that Dwtwn Miami will be nothing like Downtown Miami. The riffraff, including the hos, will leave the neighborhood along with the Os, I'm sure. I see Dwntwn Miami in a whole new light...and smell.