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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Thursday, September 06, 2007

Quick Hits: Law & Order Edition

  • Thanks a lot, Sen. Larry Craig (R - Idaho) - Because of him I have altered my stance. Seriously, my new public restroom stance is still in the top secret development stages. But I can tell you the finished product will be narrow. A narrow mind is sure to follow. I'm also wearing skinny shoes so as not to risk accidentally bumping feet (or in Craig's case, accidentally knocking boots) with anyone else in the public restroom. And anything I drop on the floor of the can is staying there from now on. Scratch that. Anything I've ever dropped on the floor of a public can has stayed there. I am a borderline germophobe, when it comes to public restrooms. No business card I've ever had has been worth picking up from the floor of a public can, considering the germ potential. One time I picked something up that I'd dropped on a public restroom floor - a $20 bill. And, crazy as it sounds, I immediately took it to the sink and washed it w/hot water and that slimy pink bathroom soap. Then I used one of those hand driers on it. I'm nuts, I know. But my money was clean after that. Anyway, even if I drop money again, I won't be picking it up. I don't even want to know what a twenty on the floor means on the underground senatorial bathroom hookup circuit.
  • Being stupid can be as much of a "habit" as eating and sleeping - Once again, I say it's a good thing that 17-year-old Nick "Hogan" Bollea, son of pro wrestler Hulk Hogan is OK, following his horrific car wreck from a week or so ago. Can't say the same yet, for his passenger, an Iraq War vet who remains hospitalized over the wreck. But this wire story confirms what I posted to my blog early last week: The kid has a speeding problem and has been stopped repeatedly driving like someone was chasing him. Take away his car keys, please!
  • iPhones - This isn't about crime in the traditional sense. But if you bought an iPhone prior to this week, if you were one of those people who camped out on the sidewalk for several days in advance of the phones' June release, if you were one of those people who looked to the iPhone to be the new be all and end all, I have one thing to say to you: You got robbed! Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Sorry. That was mean. But I had to get it out of my system.
  • The crime of blowing smoke - Let me say first that Miami has plenty of nice, clean, scenic places to spend time. OK, it has several. But for the time being Downtown Miami isn't one of those places. So the folks who are tasked with making Downtown Miami appear to be a desirable place have come to the conclusion that what ails the neighborhood is vowels. Not just any vowels, but "Os," specifically the Os in d"o"wnt"o"wn. So now the new Downtown Miami logo will likely read in part, "Dwntwn Miami." Well, that did it for me. Before, I didn't want to hang out in Downtown Miami, because my rickety knees - and lately, rickety ankles - made me not want to hurdle the homeless laying across the steam grates in the sidewalk. I also didn't want to do it, because of the lack of reasonably-priced parking, the poop-smell that sometimes permeates the street outside the one "upscale" department store that graces downtown, the gauntlet of real, professional, needle-tracked hos (not as some chat hosts believe, college basketball players) you have to pass through on some downtown sidewalks. Oh, and let's not forget the crack heads who I have seen with my own two relatively good eyes cleaning their pipes on the Metro Mover trolley that circles downtown. Phew. I am relieved, because I am certain that Dwtwn Miami will be nothing like Downtown Miami. The riffraff, including the hos, will leave the neighborhood along with the Os, I'm sure. I see Dwntwn Miami in a whole new light...and smell.

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  • I think this is one of the more important posts you will make. You live in Miami, and you certainly get to influence more people in Miami than most. What you say about the city and how it should be is important. Giuliani did it for New York City. Others with vision did it for theirs. I haven't been in Miami, but if it is becoming gentrified, help change it. And, thank you.


    By Blogger The CEO, at 8:36 PM  

  • Monty, I agree we should support the cities we live in and be cheerleaders for them. I'm all for that sort of moral support. I have a lot of positive things to say about Miami and South Florida in general. When Colorado Congressman Tom Tancredo ripped Miami and called it a Third World country, I wrote my newspaper's first response to Tancredo, defending the city. However, downtown Miami is not gentrified, unless the definition of gentrified has changed to mean grimey, full of stores selling bootleg goods, overrun by aggressive panhandlers, aimlessly wandering drug abusers, and smells like behind. Not even I can fake support for that stuff. I wish it would get better. And to the extent I can help I am doing things in my own neighborhood. And in spite of my distaste for all the stuff I described I still try to patronize some of the legit shops in Dwntwn Miami. But at some point the city, the biz owners who occupy much of that 'hood, and its growing number of residents have to handle the fixes.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 9:54 PM  

  • Although I've never been to Miami -never been south of Camp A.P.Hill, Virginia for that matter -so I have to take your word for what's what with that city and area, this post was really spot on. Take the keys away from that young man for sure and as to the "stance" - well, guess we know how you stand now don't we. Laundering money huh? Good one!

    By Blogger Jeni, at 9:16 AM  

  • Too funny, James!

    I have been having similar thoughts. A man trailed me into the restroom at work here in DC and he bore an amazing resemblance to Sen. Larry Craig.

    I think we're all going to be watching ourselves now that we've been apprised of anonymous homosexual mating signals.

    Not that there's anything wrong with that. Oh, wait, there is.

    By Blogger M@, at 9:36 AM  

  • I was about to remark that most women are hos but then I remembered my mother and five sisters.


    By Blogger M@, at 9:41 AM  

  • Also remember to turn off your iPod when you go into the men's room otherwise you might accidentally tap your foot to the tunes.

    By Blogger Jay, at 2:00 PM  

  • Nothing much happening in the ladies' rooms I've visited. I've been asked to pass over some paper - that's about the extent of the excitement. (unless that was code for something I just didn't understand)

    I enjoyed the "Law and Order" edition of The Etiquette.

    By Blogger jali, at 3:35 PM  

  • Jeni, I didn't think of it as money laundering, but you're right. I'm gonna have to borrow that line from you.

    Matt, I'm thinking there should be like a third base coach in the bathroom now, giving and interpreting signals. That way we all avoid confusion.

    Jay, good point. With the right tune in my ears, I might tap me feet and clap my hands too.

    Jali, the paper-passing sounds innocent enough. And thanks for the compliment. I enjoy the L&O editions, 'cause I have an excuse to rant a little more than usual.

    By Blogger James Burnett, at 4:03 PM  

  • My first shopping rule of thumb is never by the first version of anything, be it electronics, cars, software, whatever. My second shopping rule of thumb is never buy exhorbitantly priced first versions of anything, not unless you like getting screwed without the benefit of lubrication.

    By Blogger GrizzBabe, at 9:25 PM  

  • I wasn't affected by the iPhone pricing scheme (scam?) because frankly, iDon'tcare to own one.

    By Blogger The Sarcasticynic, at 4:27 PM  

  • bwaa ha ha ha hahaa...

    okay I can go to bed happy now!!!

    By Blogger Pamela, at 3:23 AM  

  • Alright, it's childish, but I had the same thought when I read Apple's plans to re-price the iPhone. It was somewhere between "smug" and "self-satisfied".

    Then I gave myself a pat on the back for not being the type to camp out for anything.

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 11:08 PM  

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