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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Thursday, June 08, 2006

Chapter Three of the Hater Chronicles: You Might Be A Hater

So in keeping with this week's theme, I was thinking earlier about one of my old favorite standup comedy routines, Jeff Foxworthy's "You might be a redneck" bit. It was such a popular routine in the '90s that Shawn Wayans, the youngest of the 375,000 Wayans Brothers, bit Foxworthy's style and wrote a book called "150 Ways to Tell if You're Ghetto."

Both acts said "you might be..." if you have this characteristic or that habit. My favorite from Foxworthy is you might be a redneck if your new house still has wheels on it. My favorite from Wayans was you can tell you're ghetto if you have a car phone and no car.

So in case any of us have doubts about whether we're subconscious Haters or if we suspect we might know a Hater, here's our take on "You might be:"

  • If you see a girlfriend who is a hit with the fellas walk out of the can with TP dragging from her shoe and you don't tip her off before she rejoins her admirers, you might be a hater.
  • If you have a pocket full of cash but confront your buddy in front of a crowd of other guys about the $1 he borrowed from you six months ago, you might be a hater.
  • If a friend tells you she just got a promotion at work and your first thought isn't a happy one for her, but rather "Why did she get the promo," you might be a hater.
  • If you preface a congratulatory statement to a friend with "I guess" - as in "I guess that's a good job you landed," you might be a hater...unless you're genuinely concerned your friend could have done better.
  • If in front of a crowd a friend's announcement of a new accomplishment prompts you to blurt out "I could have done that," you might be a hater.
  • If, when you greet a friend you feel compelled to criticize him before saying anything pleasant, you might be a hater.
  • If your best friend tells you he's engaged, and you react by telling the crowd with a straight face that she was interested in you first but you let your guy have her instead, you might be a hater.
  • If you are too busy to fulfill a prime assignment at work but you have time to lobby management so that a particular colleague doesn't get that assignment, you might be a hater.
  • If a friend shows you a new acquisition - and it's not dangerous, distasteful, reckless, or otherwise a bad thing - and you react with "that's nice, but I could never...," you might be a hater.
  • If you begrudge any hard worker his or her success, you might be a hater. And if you begrudge their success, because deep down inside you don't think they're as deserving as you, you're definitely a hater.

If any of these apply to you, seek help. And if any apply to your friends? Start thinking of ways to put them in check and save your friendship.


  • I agree with you on all except the first one. I'd find it interesting to see how the guys would react to a tissue on her. If it alters their opinion of her, then they're a bunch of fools anyway.

    By Anonymous Anonymous, at 8:41 AM  

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