Melissa's Story

So if you've been reading Burnettiquette, then you know I spent last week in NYC for work. While there I wrote a couple of blog entries on civility up there and civility down here, New York North vs. New York South.

When I was asked which I like better, I sort of dodged the question. But our good friend Melissa, of SpokeintheWheel, who has lived down here and now lives up there, weighed in and gave her vote for New York being the nicer place.

A primary reason for Melissa's opinion was the harsh treatment she got in Miami in a neighborhood in which she was one of a kind - one white person in a sea of black folks, some born here to families that have been here since the...ahem early-mid 1600s and some relatively recent transplants from the Caribbean. She was constantly picked on, she said, for simply being white and being alone in that neighborhood. Some folks were just snarky, some were down right mean, and others went a step above and were menacing.

The baffling thing, Melissa said, was that she lives in a similar neighborhood in NYC, comprised predominantly of black folks, some born here and some relatively recent transplants from the Caribbean. And in her NYC neighborhood, all her neighbors are nice and friendly to everyone else...including her.

I wanted to comment on this sooner, but I had to think about it.

Also, I want this conversation to be ongoing, so let's establish a few things: First, I am not a social scientist. I just play one on a blog. Second, my experiences are mine, and though you may disagree with my opinions in the days and weeks ahead, it doesn't change my experiences. Same goes for you. Third, we can probably all agree that there are nice people and cornholes on this planet of all shades and stripes and backgrounds. We can also agree that some people of different races and ethnicities and skin colors (I don't think those things are necessarily synonymous) sometimes get along, and sometimes they don't. Finally, what I want us to address here is why. Why do different folks sometimes get along and sometimes not? I have a pretty simple theory that is largely rooted in perceptions. But we'll get to that.

So there is some irony in Melissa's story. I can relate to it from the opposite perspective. Growing up I lived in a predominantly white neighborhood. I attended two predominantly white schools, where as I grew into a tall - taller than most of my peers at the time - lanky teen, being my friend became conditional on two things my willingness to play team sports ('cause as one coach used to say "We really could use your height on the team) and my willingness to grin and bear it when the other kids told racist jokes around me.

Take my junior year in high school, for example, I decided halfway through I was gonna quit the whole sports thing - 'cause I knew then I'd never go pro - and instead spend my after school time at a part-time job, lining my pockets with money. I lost several friends, other student athletes, for being "selfish," which showed me I was friend-worthy to them as long as I had something tangible to offer. And when I scolded other "friends" for making terrible, racist jokes about black people, they scolded me back for being a rabble-rouser, and again for not being a team player. Apparently, if I'd laughed and pretended those jokes weren't offensive to me, I'd have solidified my spot as one of the guys.

So Melissa, I do feel your pain for being treated badly at one point in your life, simply because of the color of your skin.

On this issue of the bad treatment in Miami vs. New York, I asked a couple of friends and friendly acquaintances who are both black and from the Caribbean and they too were baffled. One of them said he might have an explanation if the people in your Miami neighborhood had been predominantly Caribbean. He suggested some Caribbean blacks just don't like certain elements of American culture - that some feel that those of us who were born and raised here don't fully appreciate how blessed we are - and likely would have hassled you had you been white or "native" black American.

So that's that. But this topic isn't dead. I'm hoping y'all will give some feedback on this one.