The Handshake

How many people have observed guys give each other that handshake?

Can I get a show of hands? Kidding.

You know what I mean by that handshake though - not the standard, traditional firm grip with one or two shakes. I'm talking the light slap of palms, the gladiator grip, and the ending with a flourish, maybe a finger snap or two.

Back in the day they called it "dap." And I once wrote on another blog in another life that "Dap is that coolest of handshakes. It's the urban greeting that says 'I could just grip your hand squeeze and shake twice, but you and I have an understanding, so I am going to throw some 'English' on this handshake and jazz it up a little, as a sign of our friendship and mutual respect." That's right. That handshake.

I ask about that handshake, because last week on the way from the newsroom to the cafeteria, I bumped into a guy on the escalator who I see from time to time. Usually it's on the way downstairs or on the way up, and usually we either stand in silence or chat about weather, sports, etc. But I don't know the guy. I don't even know his first name. We're not close.

So when he tried to give me dap on the escalator I wasn't comfortable with it.

Laugh if you want. I know it's not like a guy trying to kiss a girl he just met. But dap is a personal handshake, not to be traded without forethought.

And to give dap to just anyone is a violation of the Cowboy Code, which says dap is reserved for your closest of buddies or those guys who may not be buddies but who have earned your utmost respect. If you come across a guy you don't know well or at all, then a standard, traditional grip and two shakes will suffice.

When I countered escalator guy's dap jab and parried with a traditional handshake, he got exasperated and shuffled off mumbling.

Seriously, a handshake is no big deal. It's a friendly gesture. But offering up that handshake to a guy is almost as presumptuous as trying to kiss a girl before you've even asked her out.

A little history

Yes, waaaaaay back in the day that handshake was a black thing. There, I said it.

It was one of those ways that black men who felt all alone while trying to integrate themselves into predominantly white workplaces and social settings, and society in general, had to bond, to establish a camaraderie. In a crowd of white people in the 1950s, for example, two black men who spotted each other might have exchanged that handshake. But even then it was never so much about separating oneself from the group. Rather it was a way for two men of similar backgrounds and experiences to silently say "I don't necessarily know you, but I'll bet we have similar experiences. And therefore I understand you." It was a comforting gesture.

But then things changed in popular culture. Through the 1970s and into the '80s it became more acceptable to not just observe and/or admire another group's mannerisms. It became OK to engage in whatever interested you - activities and interests that had been deemed specifically "white" or "black" became fair game for whoever wanted to try 'em.

At that point race was no longer of major importance with that handshake. It became more about guys of all stripes silently saying "We're cool with one another. We're close friends. We're at least close enough that we share mutual respect."

So back to escalator guy. I don't dislike him. I don't lack respect for him. I just don't know him. And until I do, he gets a firm grip and two shakes, but no dap.