The thing about "Icles"

Over the past several months (most recently a week or so ago by email) I have gotten a number of requests from female readers that I write something about the bad manners that go along with men grabbing their goodie bags in public.

It's an old story. But on the off chance that there really are people who don't know what the below-the-belt touches are all about I'll explain. But I'm not promising it'll be pretty.

Now, I could ramble on and on about the ancient philosopher Testicles and how he started a ritual way back when that all men follow to this day. But really, it's not that complicated. Some men grab/touch their nether regions in public because they get an itch or because the contents of the package have shifted during travel and need to be put back in place. Sorry, blunt but true. Other men - particularly those who grab and hold for long periods of time - do it because they're idiots and saw some rapper in a music video do the same, so they think it's something hip and manly to do. Plus it's a way for them to know it's still there and hasn't run away or something. And still other guys do it 'cause they're dirty pervs and they just like touching themselves.

That being said, you must make allowances for men with innocent intentions. If you happen to catch a guy in the act and he's quick about it, cut him a break. It's likely he was plagued by the itch or the shifting contents. You must use the equivalent of the 5-second food rule. You know the one you used in college when you were broke and didn't have much to eat? Drop a piece of food on the floor of your apt. and if you pick it up in under five seconds it's still clean enough to eat. No science behind that rule, but many of us used it. Give the well-intentioned, non-perv guy the 5-second grab-adjust-rule.

And that's that. But this isn't over. When I started getting those complaints from women about self-grabby guys I started conducting my own unscientific experiment to see if guys were the only culprits and under what circumstances. And what I found was interesting. For ever three guys I saw absentmindedly touching the goods, I saw one woman doing the same thing with a breast.

Seriously, just to prove I wasn't crazy I even pointed it out to my wife several times: "Hey, why's that woman rubbing that? Doesn't she know people might see her!"

Now to be fair, the wife explained to me that there are times and circumstances under which bosoms don't feel well and some women may rub them to help alleviate soreness, pain, etc.

My response was "Ahhhh, I had no idea." That really is an innocent, harmless enough reason for touching one's self up there...even in public.

But ladies this brings me back to the guys. If you can't give us the benefit of the doubt, then I'm afraid we can't cut you any slack either.

So let this be a truce: Give us allowances that there are times and circumstances under which a man can discreetly and quickly handle his business, and we will grant you the same allowances and not assume that you have reduced your bosoms to chesticles and are touching them for mere sport and nothing else.

Either way, and whatever your gender and whatever set of "icles" you're grabbing, if the touch is not to stop pain or make a necessary adjustment then you are triflin' and are exercising poor Burnettiquette.

Remember, what's good for the goose...