Quick Hits - Law & Order Edition

Sorry - no narrative today. At least not right now. I'm trying to make progress on an article, update my in-the-coming weeks story schedule for my editor, and gather my notes so I can head over to South Beach for a couple of interviews at the Victoria's Secret Pink show/party. That's right guys. Read it and weep. That'll teach some of ya to make fun of reporters!

Anywho, here are my thoughts on what's in the news:

• John Couey Must Die: In case you don't follow the news, that is not the name of a sequel to that horrible comedy John Tucker Must Die. Couey is the guy who kidnapped, raped, and murdered 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford. He buried her alive. He is on trial here in Miami, 'cause an impartial jury couldn't be seated in his county. And he is facing the death penalty if convicted. He confessed, but prosecutors couldn't use it at trial, because he confessed after asking police for a lawyer and not getting one. I know some of you don't like the death penalty 'cause you don't believe humans have the right to take each other's lives. I hate to disappoint you. And I hope I don't lose you as readers, but I disagree. I have two feelings on the death penalty - I approve of the concept, but I disapprove of how it is applied in this country. Therefore I don't like it, if that makes any sense. If there was a way we could be 100% certain that everyone put on death row did the crime and did it in cold blood, I'd say fire away. But look at Illinois in recent years and all the people exhonerated from DR. The thought that these men could have been executed, and they were actually innocent? Terrifying to me. However, this Couey case is one of those slam dunks. And even if you oppose the very concept of capital punishment, deep, deep, deep, down inside something must be nagging you about this case. If there was ever a candidate for the Kentucky Fried Chair this guy is it. And to you media critics, I'm not reporting on this case, and I'm not on the jury. So I can give my opinion. One more thing about this. Apparently Couey has become mentally ill since he did this. I'm being facetious. His attorneys have argued that he has been mentally retarded for some time. In this country we don't execute mentally retarded people. Or at least we're not supposed to. Why the hell is it though that people's issues like that don't seem to come out until they're in deep, deep trouble? Would anyone have ever said this guy's life was hamstrung by retardation if he hadn't been charged with a heinous crime? As a defense strategy I can't blame him. If I was facing KFC, I wouldn't just be scribbling in a coloring book during trial, I'd be making faces at the jury, and flinging my crap at the judge. If my life didn't get spared, I'd at least get an Oscar for best performance of a sudden mental illness. For once though, I'd like a killer or rapist or otherwise violent assailant to just admit from the beginning, "I'm not crazy. I'm not retarded. I'm just plain old evil."
• Puff, puff, pass: You hear about the teens in Texas, who taught their toddler nephew to smoke weed? Lock those little bastards up - the teens, not the toddler, of course. That's horrible. Last thing we need is another drifty kid, growing up with the munchies and no ambition.
• Astronut update: Ladies and gents, if ever there was a reason to make sure you and the person you "admire" are on the same page, this is it. Emails released by prosecutors in Orlando, Fla., reveal that while the male astronaut at the center of this mess considered their relationship exclusive but never considered the suspect a "girlfriend," the diaper- and wig-wearing, mace-toting suspect had a different idea of their relationship. She went nanners. Ladies make sure that if you "say he's just a friend" that he knows that too, 'cause you don't want the guy who you call to share your "real" guy problems with thinking he's your man. And guys, same goes for you. If you say she's just a friend, you'd better make sure she's aware of that, 'cause your rabbits can boil just like anyone else's.

OK, I have work to do.

Peace and hair grease till this evening.