Quick Hits from the Weekend

• Hussein - I have mixed feelings about this ongoing debate over Barack Obama's middle name. Barack Hussein Obama is his name, right? He hasn't expressed any shame over it. It's what his folks called him when he popped out of the womb. So what's the problem? You could argue that all the hype about Republicans using his middle name at campaign rallies for McCain is just that, hype. On the other hand though, while it's perfectly OK to cite someone's middle name when speaking about them, it's just not something we usually do. I mean I don't. I don't go around calling out co-worker's and/or rivals as Joseph Robert Smith, or Jane Sally Jones, or whatever. That sounds dumb. I'm more likely to call out Joe That Rat Bastard or something like that. BTW, I don't believe I have any co-workers named Joseph Robert Smith or Jane Sally Jones. But if I do, I apologize. My use of your name in this post was purely coincidental. So anyway, I have to ask why people in those campaign speeches are calling out Barack Hussein Obama. Don't insult me and say it's because that's his full name. Again, who ever calls you by your full name? The only people who have ever called me out as James "Something that starts with H" Burnett have been my mother when she was ticked off, and the dean of my college when he was handing out diplomas back in the day.
• I'm working a theory here. I'm going to drop you guys a single word, and I want you to tell me what it means to you. First, a clue: it does not involve the animal kingdom. Here it is: Cougar.
• And speaking of felines, does anyone make a scarecat? I need something to scare away the neighborhood strays. At least one of them has taken to using a bare spot in my front yard as a litter box. And if you know South Florida, then you know the soil can be very sandy. So a two-by-two-foot square of that soil is a loose cat's dream. Come to think of it maybe that's why grass won't grow in this spot.
• If you can't laugh at yourself then you're probably no fun to be around. I can laugh at myself. That being said, if you've been looking for a way to make fun of me, well, you haven't been trying hard enough. Even so, I'm gonna toss you a bone. Follow this link and when you arrive click number one for a better explanation of why I write and don't, say, do rodeo or fly space shuttles for a living. A story should follow in the paper tomorrow.
• How badly must you hate your job to do this to avoid work?
• I have once again changed my mind about health insurance. You may recall that I posted a couple of weeks ago that I thought the blame for our jacked up system and super high costs should be shared by every entity making a buck off the medical industry, not just insurance agencies. I included equipment suppliers, hospitals, etc. But then many of you scolded me for my lack of knowledge of the health care industry and shared anecdotes with me about how costs are so high because of insurance industry trickery. And I conceded in a subsequent post. However, I was watching 60 Minutes last night, and one segment was about a British guy, a former soldier and adventurer, who a few years back started this volunteer medical service called Remote Area Medical that involves a fleet of planes dropping donated goods into remote areas - like jungles - and then volunteer doctors going down to those areas and for a day or for a weekend providing medical care, from basic checkups, to C.A.T. scans, to tooth surgery. Anyway, R.A.M. is so serious about that volunteer label that they operate on a shoestring budget. Here's what I'm driving at: last year RAM's all-volunteer staff saw 17,000 people and did it all on a $250,000 budget. Seventeen thousand people. $250K. I take back my concession. If these people can volunteer their way to these sorts of numbers, then everybody involved in health care, not just the insurance companies, can find a way to charge a little less.

Monday Quick Hits

Greetings sports fans. Long weekend, but good weekend. I'm sad it's over. But I did have fun, gain a few insights and stumble across a few life mysteries.

• First, Mardis Gras -After a day of grueling yard work and koi pond rehab on Saturday, Mrs. B and I strolled a few blocks to our fair city's downtown for the Mardis Gras parade and festival. It was a lot of fun. It wasn't New Orleans or Bourbon St. But I've done Mardis Gras in New Orleans and frankly Saturday I did not miss the stank smell of presumably human urine and vomit, or the sight of awkward, equally smelly back alley sex. If you have a younger teenage child or a sense of humor or you're cooler than the other side of the pillow like me, or all of the above, you'll appreciate this next point. Best moment of the night for me was when the South Broward High School marching band in full band uniforms on a warm evening, stopped in the middle of their stellar performance to do an abbreviated version of the Superman dance. Hilarious.
• Moving right along to colored eyeball contacts - You know how I quoted the coach from Teen Wolf the other day saying never play cards with a man whose first name is the same as a city? Well, I've always had a similar distrust for anyone who wears colored contacts on any day of the year that isn't Halloween. Over the past couple of weeks I've made several short runs to a supply store near my house to get repair materials. One of the employees was especially helpful, but a little too eager, even offering to come over to our house to help, since he lived nearby. Mrs. B thought that was weird. I did too, but I guess Iwasn't completely alarmed. And then we went to the supply store Saturday morning and this dude had translucent blue eyes....He didn't have them before. I know this makes me nuts. But only after seeing the eyeball change did I deem this guy completely untrustworthy. If I can't even look you in the eyes and see your eyes, what else about you am I not seeing? The only reason for a guy to wear colored contacts on any night that isn't Halloween is that he's moonlighting as a stripper or a Man-Ho.
• Super Bowl - I'd say I'm sad for the Patriots, but I'm not. Sure, the New York Giants defense beat Tom Brady like he stole something. But if I was a New England Patriot just waking up feeling bummed out this morning, I'd immediately stroll to my wall safe, remove a few dozen $1,000 bills, microwave them to make them soft and warm and then dry my tears with them and bathe in them. And then I'd create a new sports-related award like the Pimpin' Ain't Easy trophy and give it to myself and declare that the trophy ceremony has to take place in a beach-side villa in Tahiti.
• Super Bowl ads - Hands down, in my humble opinion, the funniest ad was the Doritos commercial where a guy in a fancy suit slices off the corner of a dorito with a knife, places the slice on a mouse trap, places the trap in front of a mouse hole, turns on some opera, grabs the bag of Doritos, pulls up a chair in front of the mouse hole, and sits and waits for the bait to be taken. Except a mouse doesn't come out of the hole. A giant mouse crashes through the wall and starts wailing on the suit guy.

Quick Hits Friday Edition

No different from any other weekday edition, of course. I just couldn't think of a better title.

Anyway, it's just about Friday, and I'm winding down. You don't stay this pretty without sleep.

• First, Mrs. B is knocking on the door of the second trimester. She had an ultrasound a couple of days ago, and for the first time we were able to hear a heartbeat and actually see more than a blob. James IV was doing somersaults in there. Wild.
• Second, morning sickness is a sham. The constantly changing food tastes, Bruce Banner/Incredible Hulk-like mood swings, and other assorted ailments are 24-7. Morning doesn't even factor into it. Someone should have warned me. To her credit, Mrs. B has been handling all of this with a sense of humor. I'm the one who is about to go run into oncoming traffic, pulling at my hair, and screaming that Mel Gibson and Martin Lawrence are chasing me.
• Third, Burnettiquette is taking a road trip next week. I'll blog while I'm away though. And I'm even gonna try to post pictures, for once. I don't do that often. But new habits are hard to get into. Anyway, if any of y'all are in Las Vegas next week and want to say hello, shoot me a message.
• Fourth, after four weeks of brain-draining work on a lengthy story project I get some lighthearted time Friday afternoon. I'll be sitting with actor Cuba Gooding Jr. for an interview about his life and career and a chat about his current film, Daddy Day Camp. I guess I'm not thrown off by Gooding doing a family-friendly film. He's done plenty of them before. What threw me about this film was that it's directed by Fred Savage. I'm trying to picture the Wonder Years dude yelling "action," and "cut!"
• Fifth, here's a perfect example of my admitted hypocrisy over finding people guilty before they're convicted: R. Kelly is finally going on trial! Seriously, I can't be the only one who wondered if this day would ever come. I figured he'd get tried about the time they found JFK's second, third, and fourth shooters. All the while though, Kelly has been guilty as sin in my mind, and I've been itching to see the book - a very, very big book - get thrown at this guy. Why? He is alleged to have messed w/teenage girls, children when you take away the window dressing. He is actually charged w/having kiddie porn, because apparently his "alleged" sex acts w/at least one teenage girl were videotaped. Even if he didn't have sex w/a teen (and yes, like everyone else, I assume the dirty dog did it), they should lock him up just for peeing on one of his alleged victims. Yes, that was caught on tape too. And that's just nasty. And he should be locked up for being dumb enough to videotape the act(s). And his attorneys should be slapped for suggesting Kelly's image might have been computer-generated, faked, on those sex/pee tapes. I guess anything's possible. But that's the best defense they could come up with? Maybe the NAACP will reconsider giving this guy (Presumably Good) Image Awards. Sounds like he should get a stream-aiming award instead.
• Finally, Karma is so cool. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! Crime might "earn" you silver or gold. But it could also get you two bits of lead.

Quick Hits for the Holiday Weekend

*This is Andy, healthy Andy. I had to hold her firmly for the pic, 'cause she's normally bouncing off of walls.


This is sick, exhausted Andy, after spending two days at the animal hospital battling an inexplicable infection and costing me a grand (can you believe that? I think the Bentley I saw in the parking lot must have belonged to the veterinarian). I'm not one of those animal nuts who dresses his pets up in clothes that match his own. And the truth is, prior to Andy I didn't even like cats. I thought they were curse-carrying, spooky creatures. But since I am fond of her, even though she occasionally scratches, think a good thought for her as she recovers at home. And wish her a happy belated birthday. She turned 1 last week.


**Moving right along. Guys what do you see in this picture? A perfect manicure, that's what! No shame in it and nothing feminine about it. My grandfather, James Sr., used to get the nails hooked up and the shoes shined every week. He took a bullet and grenade shrapnel in WWII. Pretty manly. Fellas, it's imperative that we keep the nails and cuticles fit. We don't want them looking like we tried to dig a hole in the sidewalk using our fingers. I have griped about women with mangled toes, squeezed like bunion biscuits into too-tiny shoes. It's only fair that we keep our hands right. What's good for the goose...And Big Daddy, before you say anything, there's no dirt under these nails, in spite of the shadowing.


***I'm in the media, and though I may have a bias in favor of us news folk, I've never fully bought into the political (liberal/conservative) conspiracy hype. I think good journalists report the facts. That being said, media includes more than news people. It includes entertainment magazines and TV shows too, for example. With them, I have no doubts that sometimes there is an agenda. By comparison to MTV's target audience member I'm an old man. Nevertheless, Wednesday night I watched the reunion special for the recently concluded "Real World: Denver." Relatively early in the show, one of the cast members a young black man named Stephen, was taken to task for not being more open-minded about another cast member, Davis's homosexuality. Stephen was scolded for not having learned anything new during the show about gay people, or at least not enough new stuff to help keep himself from being prejudiced against them. But Davis, who in a drunken fit on an early episode of the show referred to black cast mate Tyree as "some nigger" who "wants to kill me," wasn't asked if he'd learned to suppress or overcome his prejudice. Hmmm, agenda MTV? Neither the incident nor the slur were brought up during that reunion special. Nah, MTV would never have an agenda. It's all in my imagination.

****Finally Memorial Day. I have no profound words, only profound respect for any man or woman who ever volunteered for military service. It's not about liking or disliking war, or supporting or not supporting war. Setting politics aside, you have to have a deep love for your country and what you believe it stands for in order to willingly put yourself in the line of fire. To all the families who have lost loved ones in service, may your memories this holiday weekend be fond, peaceful, and pleasant.

quick hits

• Bad suit - Did you hear about the judge in Washington D.C. who is suing his dry cleaner for $65 million, after they lost his pants? Roy Pearson, an administrative law judge in the District, sued Jin Nam & Ki Chung, South Korean immigrants, who like the rest of us are just trying to make a dollar out of 15 cents. The Chungs misplaced pants that belonged to a $1,000 suit Pearson had. They found the pants a few days later. But he no longer wanted them. He wanted damages for having to find a new dry cleaner that he could trust, for having to rent a car a couple times a month for years to come and drive to that new dry cleaner (the Chungs are apparently responsible for making sure Pearson has a dry cleaner within walking distance of his home.). He wanted damages for the Chungs not meeting their "same day" guarantee. The list goes on. Somehow this chowder head came up with $65 million worth of damages done to him over the temporary misplacement of his pants. Now the Chungs, who are out big bucks on legal fees, are so down about this, they may close up shop and head back to South Korea. Damn shame, and abuse of knowledge. I say knowledge, instead of power 'cause Pearson doesn't necessarily have authority over the Chungs, but he's sure using his knowledge of the law to stick 'em. Not only should Pearson not get a penny, he should be forced to take back his found pants and where them every single day for the next few years. Then Mrs. Chung should get to take off her heaviest, clunkiest shoe and beat Pearson with it. This kind of lawsuit is like crying wolf. It's abuse of the system, and by a judge no less. Shame on him.
• Apples and oranges - So former New Jersey governor Jim McGreevy, who left office in a little bit of disgrace after announcing in '04 that he'd cheated on his wife and had appointed his fling to a high-ranking position in Jersey state government, has joined the Episcopal church and entered a pre-seminary state, with apparent intentions to get eventually get his divinity degree. No word on whether he will seek ordination and become a priest. A few pundits are lashing him from both sides of the political spectrum, partly because he cheated with a man. But I honestly don't care if McGreevy's gay. Don't care if he's straight. What bugs me about this whole thing is when he made the announcement way back when about his fling he emphatically stated that he was a "gay American," as though his orientation was causing the outrage. It was disingenuous. To make his issues about being gay/straight is to take away from real fights for fairness that other gay people are engaged in. McGreevy's problem on the personal side of things was that he was a cheat. And on the professional side he was untrustworthy 'cause he let a sexual fling so affect his judgment that he gave that person a security-sensitive job in his government. Even if he had cheated with a woman he would still have been a cheat with bad judgment. McGreevy wrote a book after he left office, and among other things he stated that his wife knew all along - even before they wed - that he was gay. She says he's lying, that she never knew, and that she never would have married him if she had known. He's already shown his stripes as a cheater who doesn't mind a little nepotism. So I give her the benefit of doubt, and that leads to my next question: if he does decide to become a priest, is McGreevy gonna at least express some sorrow for what his wife had to go through after he crashed and burned? Aren't clergy supposed to be compassionate folks?

Quick Hits - Law & Order Edition

Sorry - no narrative today. At least not right now. I'm trying to make progress on an article, update my in-the-coming weeks story schedule for my editor, and gather my notes so I can head over to South Beach for a couple of interviews at the Victoria's Secret Pink show/party. That's right guys. Read it and weep. That'll teach some of ya to make fun of reporters!

Anywho, here are my thoughts on what's in the news:

• John Couey Must Die: In case you don't follow the news, that is not the name of a sequel to that horrible comedy John Tucker Must Die. Couey is the guy who kidnapped, raped, and murdered 9-year-old Jessica Lunsford. He buried her alive. He is on trial here in Miami, 'cause an impartial jury couldn't be seated in his county. And he is facing the death penalty if convicted. He confessed, but prosecutors couldn't use it at trial, because he confessed after asking police for a lawyer and not getting one. I know some of you don't like the death penalty 'cause you don't believe humans have the right to take each other's lives. I hate to disappoint you. And I hope I don't lose you as readers, but I disagree. I have two feelings on the death penalty - I approve of the concept, but I disapprove of how it is applied in this country. Therefore I don't like it, if that makes any sense. If there was a way we could be 100% certain that everyone put on death row did the crime and did it in cold blood, I'd say fire away. But look at Illinois in recent years and all the people exhonerated from DR. The thought that these men could have been executed, and they were actually innocent? Terrifying to me. However, this Couey case is one of those slam dunks. And even if you oppose the very concept of capital punishment, deep, deep, deep, down inside something must be nagging you about this case. If there was ever a candidate for the Kentucky Fried Chair this guy is it. And to you media critics, I'm not reporting on this case, and I'm not on the jury. So I can give my opinion. One more thing about this. Apparently Couey has become mentally ill since he did this. I'm being facetious. His attorneys have argued that he has been mentally retarded for some time. In this country we don't execute mentally retarded people. Or at least we're not supposed to. Why the hell is it though that people's issues like that don't seem to come out until they're in deep, deep trouble? Would anyone have ever said this guy's life was hamstrung by retardation if he hadn't been charged with a heinous crime? As a defense strategy I can't blame him. If I was facing KFC, I wouldn't just be scribbling in a coloring book during trial, I'd be making faces at the jury, and flinging my crap at the judge. If my life didn't get spared, I'd at least get an Oscar for best performance of a sudden mental illness. For once though, I'd like a killer or rapist or otherwise violent assailant to just admit from the beginning, "I'm not crazy. I'm not retarded. I'm just plain old evil."
• Puff, puff, pass: You hear about the teens in Texas, who taught their toddler nephew to smoke weed? Lock those little bastards up - the teens, not the toddler, of course. That's horrible. Last thing we need is another drifty kid, growing up with the munchies and no ambition.
• Astronut update: Ladies and gents, if ever there was a reason to make sure you and the person you "admire" are on the same page, this is it. Emails released by prosecutors in Orlando, Fla., reveal that while the male astronaut at the center of this mess considered their relationship exclusive but never considered the suspect a "girlfriend," the diaper- and wig-wearing, mace-toting suspect had a different idea of their relationship. She went nanners. Ladies make sure that if you "say he's just a friend" that he knows that too, 'cause you don't want the guy who you call to share your "real" guy problems with thinking he's your man. And guys, same goes for you. If you say she's just a friend, you'd better make sure she's aware of that, 'cause your rabbits can boil just like anyone else's.

OK, I have work to do.

Peace and hair grease till this evening.