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Burnett's Urban Etiquette

Thursday, March 08, 2007

Spring Break, the good ole days

I'm sufficiently recovered from hanging out with infants in bathing suits yesterday at the Victoria's Secret PINK party that I can do another post now.

Coincidentally, most of the people who dropped good coin to attend that party were spring breakers. But you probably guessed that by the whole infants thing.

A few observations:
  • I am getting old. Any time 21-year-olds look like high school students to you, you are old or on your way.
  • College kids are more honest these days. I'll explain. When I was in college waaaaay back in the mid '90s we were frauds. When my guys and I got at least a few miles away from our campus on a Friday night - far enough away that we felt comfortable no classmates would be around to recognize us, we would lie, lie, lie. We'd tell girls we were older than we were. We'd tell them we were anything but students. I recall using "underwear model" as my faux occupation a number of times. We'd buy one reaaaaaaaaaaaaalllly strong semi-expensive drink - one apiece, that is - and sip it all night so as to save money. But we'd play up the cost of our drinks while trying to be nonchalant to the ladies. So I found it interesting and in a goofy way impressive when party host Nick Cannon asked the crowd at one point "Who here has more than $20 in their pocket?" and less than half the partiers raised their hands. It cracked me up. But the honesty was refreshing. Back in the day, my guys and I would've raised both hands in an effort to appease our insecurities and impress the ladies.
  • Guys if you are at a spring break party, and you spot a waaaaaaaaaaay too pretty girl and ask for her phone number and she doesn't have a job but hands you a business card, turn and run the other way. She is a stripper. Same goes for you ladies. If some dude who is ripped like Adonis and curiously avoids the subject of what school he attends and doesn't have a job but hands you a card, he too is a stripper. Or he is one of those dudes who lives in his parents' basement, reading comic books, dreaming up Web site schemes, and printing up homemade business cards so that he can "honestly" introduce himself to people as an entrepreneur. I nearly fell out...in laughter, when I sat down to take a break about 10 feet away from a young guy who was trying to talk to two girls. They listened skeptically. The thing is he was a dork. I'm not hatin'. I was just as much of a dork back in the day. But these girls were out of his league. I don't think they were even students, because honestly, they were pretty much out of the league of every guy in attendance - at least the college guys ;-) Anyway, he got around to asking what hotel they were staying in and if he could get their phone number. One of them reached in her purse and handed him a business card. I couldn't read it over his shoulder or anything, but the look on his face suggested my guess might have been right. He shook his head, pocketed the card and got up and walked away.
  • This totally has nothing to do with spring break, but when I was leaving the party yesterday and heading back to the paper I cut down an alley to get to my car and stumbled - figuratively - over a dude sitting against the back wall of a restaurant cleaning his crack pipe. I didn't just fall off the back of the yam wagon. Back in Milwaukee, covering crime I hiked through many a dark corner where those little pipes were being cleaned out with a little wire brush or a piece of steel wool. Anyway, this was the first chubby crackhead I'd ever seen. Seriously, I've never seen a large crack smoker. All the ones I've ever seen were pretty frail and gaunt. First time for everything, I guess.

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21 Comments:

  • I noticed that strippers tend to go for guys who pretend that they are not impressed by their looks. It's like a personal challenge.

    Not acting desperate and just having a good time in a bar seems to attract the ladies. I learned me lesson a little too late for it to do any good ;)

    By Blogger Hammer, at 11:36 PM  

  • Thanks for your comment the other day on my blog. So glad you found it and were entertained enough by my crazy Starbucks stories to keep reading. :)

    So I live in an area highly populated by NYU kids and I've never felt so old in my life. These kids look 12 to me. Seriously--12. And yeah, okay, I do too. But at least I don't act like it. Well...not ALL the time, anyhow.

    By Blogger Marissa, at 11:40 PM  

  • Where on Earth are strippers supposed to carry cards?

    By Blogger mist1, at 12:30 AM  

  • I'm laughing. I could just heare you talking in my head through this post.

    sad about the crack head, but still the description of the chubby one was amusing. Maybe it was his desperate last weight loss attempt before bypass surgery.

    By Blogger Pamela, at 12:42 AM  

  • 1)I have never seen a crackhead heavier than scrawny much less actually chubby.

    2)sure rub it in about the party again.

    3)and then call me old.

    I wont be back!

    till I see you have updated via my bloglines subscription at least.

    BD

    By Blogger briliantdonkey, at 1:13 AM  

  • man, James, I need a drink to cry in. I remember after graduating college, a friend and I decided to hit one of our old "regular" clubs....we no longer recognized anyone and all the girls looked 12.

    By Blogger Claudia, at 1:38 AM  

  • Maybe he's a crackhead intern. He hasn't been on it long enough to be emaciated, and he has to do grunt work like cleaning the crack pipes.

    By Blogger hyacinths and biscuits, at 2:18 AM  

  • The one thing about telling the ladies you're older than you really are is that eventually you reach the age that you've been telling them.

    By Blogger The Sarcasticynic, at 6:56 AM  

  • James, even *you* look like a high school kid to me.

    By Blogger mkh, at 8:14 AM  

  • After we ordered our drinks last night my husband turned to me in all seriousness and said, "Do you think she's old enough to be serving alcohol?" I had been thinking she had to have lied about her age to get the job too. Good news is that my 92 year old father in law thinks I'm a young whippersnapper.

    By Blogger wordsonwater, at 10:45 AM  

  • Check back with that crack head in about 6 months. My guess is he'll be pretty skinny by then.

    I never made it to any of the big spring break parties when I was in school. We made big plans to go one year, but my roommates bailed on me so I didn't go. Then after a few years off I went back to finish my degree and was working full time so I still didn't get to go.

    I was so deprived!

    By Blogger Jay, at 10:59 AM  

  • Tell me about, James. Pipe maintenance is so trifling.

    Well, I, uh, have to go home now and burn all those homemade business cards I got from Vista Print for $5. Yeah, I'm a vice president of corporate communications. You think I'm kidding but when the secretary offered me GENERIC business cards (which are not much more convenient than a scrap of paper), I bought my own and inflated my title.

    By Blogger Matt, at 11:03 AM  

  • I've never gone on a Spring Break.

    By Blogger Kevin, at 11:05 AM  

  • Gimme a break! Next thing you know, there will be plus-sized meth users. ;)

    By Blogger Queen of Dysfunction, at 1:52 PM  

  • Oh no!!! I give out homemade business cards for my music and my company... Man, now I know I'm just a looser... Thanks James. :)

    By Blogger Erica AP, at 1:57 PM  

  • This reminds me of the time I was helping a boyfriend clean his place for a visit by his mum, and I found this unusual business card under a knickknack on his dresser. Simply had a woman's name,a tagline regarding "beauty," and a phone number.

    Now it's all starting to make sense...

    By Blogger thirdworstpoetinthegalaxy, at 3:51 PM  

  • When I've had too much too drink, I kinda dance like I'm a stripper. Maybe I should get some business cards.

    By Blogger Lee, at 7:00 PM  

  • i never trusted a man with a business card and no job. but then i never trust men in the first place.

    and hey... times a changin man... fat aftresses... fat models... fat crack addicts. it was bound to happen.

    By Blogger Yasamin, at 7:42 PM  

  • When they say addiction has no respect of persons, I see what they mean.

    By Blogger katrice, at 9:23 PM  

  • Trust me, he stays on the crack, he won't be fat long.

    By Anonymous og, at 7:57 AM  

  • Have I told you lately that I am addicted to your blog? No? Well, I will!

    By Blogger Dayngr, at 9:23 AM  

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