OK, whose idea was this?

So, a friend of mine who works at my old newspaper wrote this article about a newly proposed man pill.

What sort of pill, you ask? That sort of pill. The kind that can prevent little versions of yourself from popping up nine months after a hook-up.

They haven't tested it on humans yet. So somewhere out there is a bunch of inexplicably moody, lab rats.

Scientists in the UK came up with this as-needed pill. And no, they were not rocket scientists. They couldn't have been. Otherwise they would have known that no man is gonna take that sort of pill.

There are exceptions to every rule. The same guy who walked around the mall in the 1980s wearing a sweatshirt with his girlfriend's name airbrushed across the front, while she walked next to him in matching skin-tight jeans and a matching sweatshirt with his name on it, will take this pill. The guy who does not object when his wife gives him a Scotty dog sweater to wear during the family Christmas gathering will take this pill. The who takes his wife's last name and tells their 4-year-old son to call him Bob instead of dad will take this pill.

But generally speaking, even the most sensitive guy is not going to take this pill.

It's not malicious. But guys don't remember to take pills. And you can't even get guys to take pills that are known to be good for them - unless the guy is over 50 and the pill has something to do with keeping his heart beating or his prostate from swelling to grapefruit size.

Why do you think health food/supplement stores like GNC started marketing liquid multi-vitamins? Because guys will drink anything, but they won't take a pill.

Plus the man pill will be easy to lie about. If you think a guy will take it 'cause it will be quick and easy think again. Ladies, that guy who used to always tell you he couldn't find a condom? Now, all he has to say is "No worries! I took the pill....What? You don't believe me - go check my medicine cabinet. There's a whole bottle of 'em in there." You'll have to take his word for it.

Everyone doesn't need to be on a pill. The female pill has been tested and proven to work. If both men and women start popping pills to prevent pregnancy something bad is gonna happen.

How does Newton's Third Law go? For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction. Two pills? I hope they work, or else we're gonna have a bunch of babies born like X-Men, already wearing full body armor when they leave the womb.

UPDATE: I've been told the side effects of the female pill are many more than moodiness. That sort of kills the humor in this, but it is even more of a reason for guys not to volunteer themselves to be tortured the same way. A better solution? Be careful about the extent of your hanky panky before you and yours are ready to have kids.